On being liked with unlikable decisions
As a former people pleaser, being OK with not being liked has been something that I’ve been having to learn. Despite my best efforts, I’ve come to accept that trying to avoid making decisions that might upset someone is a surefire recipe for disappointment.
Not that we should put ourselves in categories, but if we had to, I would categorise myself as a sensitive person — which is honestly both a gift and a curse when you’re a leader.
- The gift: I can usually sense things without the things having to be said. If someone is happy, unhappy, thoughtful or disagree — I notice. I might choose to ignore it, but 9/10 times I sense it. This is very useful when it comes to building psychological safety, because we can talk about stuff before it “blows up”.
- The curse: I BATH IN ALL THE FEELINGS AND SOMETIMES I. DON’T. FEEL. LIKE. TAKING. A. BATH! So I’ve had to use a lot of time and failed even more to not let other peoples feelings become my feelings. If you’re not a sensitive person, this will not make sense. If you are, however, it might.
I’m at the point now where I’ve built up a spectrum of how much I should care if someone disagrees, how to say NO to a person with both parties smiling after and having an anchor you can constantly lean on if there is a disagreement.
I like being liked, but I’m no longer addicted to it
There’s so many “dudes” that look up to the mythical hardness of for example Steve Jobs and Elon Musk. It’s the bro notion of “Look at what they achieved because they were ruthless to people. I should also be that way to achieve my vision, broooooooo”
- First off: Fuck off
- Secondly: It’s misunderstood. They were/are running absolute massive companies with thousands of employees, dealing with extreme pressure and vast vision. If you run a team or two, or you’re even a CEO, being ruthless to people isn’t something to actually in itself brings value. Taking unlikable decisions because of strategic prioritisations will however bring value, but you often can do this without ruining people. (again, Steve Jobs and Elon Musk were/are at a league that I don’t know much about)
- Thirdly: Without the people on your team(s), there is no one create whatever the vision is. Sometimes people think that putting effort into building a strong team culture means not focusing on business results. This is a misunderstanding, because your people is your business. They are the one’s who actually make the products that delight your users, and you should do whatever you can do nurture and protect them.
I personally want to work at a place where we’re including of each other, joke and have fun, have lots of good discussion, do heaps of experiments and of course make some stupid good results!
However, I like being liked, but I’m no longer addicted to it. I’ve understood that it’s (usually) not about me. The never ending pursuit of being liked is a hindrance for the overall progress — both in the product, team, but also my personal life.
“we all love ourselves more than other people, but care more about their opinions than our own” — Marcus Aurelius
It’s fine to not like my decision (I said while crying in the shower)
If you say no to someone, and you sense/hear that they don’ like it, you would probably feel the same if you looked at it from their side. From a pure isolated reasoning, their suggestion or request is probably pretty smart.
But sometimes, it’s not important that everyone agrees with the decision, but everyone has to agree that a decision has been made.
You make unlikable decisions sometimes because it doesn’t fit with what you’re trying to achieve right now with the team.
This is one of the reasons OKRs are great as a prioritisation tool. I’m not making decisions on a subjective opinion, but I reason with what we’re trying to achieve.
As long as you take the time and explain what the team is working on now, with respect, any potential disagreements usually dies down.
Quite on the contrary, if you actually take the time to listen to the request, a lot of people will be grateful that you heard them out and thought over their request. They learn that even though something got down prioritised now, you are open for future good suggestions.
The most important thing is that you’re taking decisions that’s based on where you are going as a team. If you want to learn more about that, I’ve written a fairly long article about it.
Hey, you made it to the end! 🎉
P.S. On a mental note, check out On Pressure, Depression and Healthy Minds.
P.S.S. You can of course follow me on Medium, and Linkedin or Goodreads.
If you would like more stories like these, check out Failing Forward.
