An Emergency Need Of Repentance & Grace
I’ve had many forks in my life. Forks going into hundreds of different ways. I have probably traveled all those ways by now. As a young and middle aged teenager, it was alcohol. It would require weeks of us dumb teenagers to secure, getting drunk of Shitty beer, Yukon Jack, Mad Dog 20/20, Boones Farm “Wine” etc etc. Then moved on to “grass” aka POT.
I was an on and off pot head. However, I had to be able to manage that and be safe with it, because at 16, I was already riding ambulances and fire trucks. And I loved helping people.
I’m happy that I was able to help hundreds of people, without being high.
Time moves on. As I said. I was a Firefighter/Emt, Volunteering 95% of the time, with Per Diem pay gigs rest of the time. Was I a good firefighter? I wasn’t great, but I was good, and I was surrounded by some of the greatest talented Firefighters in the State Of New Jersey.
Even as a Captain, many of those talented people under me were better then me. And I hold no jealousy. Actually I hold honor, and appreciation, because these people made me look good, if at anytime where I may had seemed to be struggling.
Especially as a young 22 year old Captain. This was where, my boredom set in, my careless, lazy side. I could had moved to any of the 50 states to pursue a career as a paid Firefighter. I had all the Certifications needed and then some. I was trained in New Jersey, which is a highly regarded State for First Responder Training.
But, at many time, I did not have the best jobs in the world, so when I was not working, I engulfed the rest of my life with being a Volunteer Fire Captain. I was ignoring signs that Clinical Depression, which, I probably already had for years, but it was starting to come to light.
I was doing everything not to acknowledge it. I blocked it.I was living a busy life. It was go to work, hurry up, get back home, or to the firehouse, from the firehouse I many times ended up partying, going to bed late, and doing the same cycle over and over again. Here is a powerful statement when I look back at that time of my life.
“I was an addict LONG before I ever picked up or even saw Heroin, Cocaine, or PCP.”
My ignoring of mental health conditions, my “don’t give a shit” attitude.
I walked around the firehouse like I was the greatest, and I could do what I want, how I want, and when I want.
Long story short…..
After 12 incredible years, doing incredible things, seeing incredible things, seeing sad things, helping people. I was for the first time in a dozen years. A nobody.
My IDENTITY was gone.
Taken away. Swiped away in minutes. I loved Firefighting so much, that on that same day, I drank a bottle of Benadryl, probably 35, 40 pills. I wanted out of this world.
I will jump ahead a bit. I want to say, God must certainly love me, because in just a few months after this, I SOMEHOW, scored an incredible entry level job with the State Of New Jersey. I will leave those details of which Government Branch, and which Office. Anyway, I took a civil service test a year before hand, and I scored great.
I started what would had been one of the most secure careers anyone in the entire country could get.
That fork in the road seemed like the winner.
I had a job that if I still had today, I would be 11 years and 10 months away from retirement with a pension that would had been averaged of my 3 highest paid years salaries.
I would have health benefits til death, with the wife taking it all over, if I had one.
This fork seemed to stop laziness, but carelessness turned to cocky, to stuck up, to loving the fact that I had such a secure career, and never had to pee in a cup for (aka drug test).
The money wasn’t great, but it paid the bills, it covered the recreational drug use, and it covered any medical issue. It gave you a zillion vacation and sick days, and it all just was a true devils playground to me. Not to mention I was still in my 20’s and nowhere near the maturity level I am at now.
Take all this, take a few pretty women (friends?)who happen to abuse illicit drugs, and I assume this intro to the question of forks in the road is beginning to make a lot of sense as the blogs will go on, in the upcoming months, much more of my life experiences will be shared.
Those experiences from my 20's had a lot of “told ya so” in it. Which sure doesn’t help much. But it sure takes me to a time, which I discussed earlier in this blog, where throughout, and after graduating High School, I knew in my heart 100% that Firefighting was my calling. Those thoughts I had at 18, 19, 20 years old, where I should check literally every big city, in all 50 states, and find a career as a Firefighter. Away from this entire region, at the very least.
But no, I was a young Lieutenant, and then Captain in a local towns Volunteer Fire Department. I was scared to leave, to lose that identity, scared to lose that incredible feeling I was having. I was worried, and I decided it was better to stay home, try to become the local town hero, in an political Fire Service.
I had no bravery, to go out into the unknown.
I had NO courage. Think about it though.
Truly the greatest Firefighters, and Fire Chiefs in, if not the whole County, then possibly even the whole State, showing me respect, showing me trust, teaching me, and at times, making me look good.
If I had taken just one chance at the unknown though.
I do think my chances right now, of living far away from New Jersey, maybe have a wife, maybe some toddlers, a decade down as a Career Firefighter perhaps. I also think maybe there’s a decent chance I may not had become addicted to some of the most addicting, lethal substances in the world.
Many may of you may raise your eyebrows at that last statement disagreeing. Well you’re not me. You don’t yet know my story.
Only God knows my life, my story, my struggle. Only God and I know about the tests he has given me. Which tests I’ve passed. Which tests I’ve failed. Only God knows what my future will be. Only I can prepare for the best I can.
There is but one tool I need that would help lift many burdens from my future. That tool is FAITH.
Faith in My Higher Power. Faith that I know God knows what is best. Faith in the fact that I know God will never leave me. My Higher Power has never, and will never test me with anything I cant handle.
When I finally found Sobriety, that was when my story of FAITH and REPENTANCE officially began.
