Today Can Still Be Right

Even when yesterday sucked

Just for today, I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will take my “luck” as it comes, and fit myself to it. — Al-Anon

Yesterday was rough. I showed up to a meeting ready to fight. I had regulations, examples, and eyewitness accounts to back up my point of view, and I was ready to make an example of someone under my leadership in front of the whole team. My brain told me that enough was enough, and it was time to fix what I regarded as a broken toy. I was all gassed up on “My way or the highway” thinking, and it was time to drive. It ended badly for me — as well it should have.

In all my years as a leader in my profession, this is probably the worst example I have ever set. I was full of arrogance about how things should be, and I was ready to fight any and all opposing viewpoints without even listening to or considering them. I wanted everyone on my page regardless of what they had to say.

I left that meeting humbled and broken, having been confronted by both superiors and subordinates alike for my lack of willingness to listen or speak with compassion. And they were right.

The irony of the situation was completely lost on me, too. I went into that meeting to address someone whom I believed was arrogantly trying to set our working environment around the way they wanted everyone to behave. My own behavior in addressing that issue only proved to be an object lesson to everyone, as I was doing the very thing I thought I was trying to fix in someone else. My wife is fond of saying, “You spot it, you got it.”

We often point out what we believe are faults in others while failing to realize they are really faults within ourselves.

Self-awareness sucks. It especially hurts when it comes about as a result of confrontation. In my case, I was the one confronting someone else, and everyone else in the room saw immediately that — in that particular situation — I was the one guilty of the very thing I accused someone else of doing. In that moment, I had two choices: fight everyone in the room, thereby proving their point, or listen to what they had to say and hold myself accountable.

We have no credibility in holding others accountable if we don’t evaluate ourselves first.

There are several takeaways from yesterday’s mess that can inform a better today.

1. Objectively evaluate self before pointing out faults in others. In Matthew 7:3, Jesus points this out by saying, “Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?” Can we really see clearly what others need to fix if we are looking at them through eyes that are blinded by our own faults?
2. If you must confront someone, do it for the right reasons. I was frustrated when I chose to initiate this particular confrontation. That meeting and that attitude were the wrong ingredients for what I was trying to accomplish. I did not do it in love, nor did I do it in a way that would allow the other person to examine themselves. Also, I chose to do it in front of other people. No wonder this person got defensive!
3. Try to understand the other person rather than force them to understand you. You may still conclude later that they are wrong and that they must adjust, but it will be infinitely easier to gain their trust and buy-in if you show them that you value them and want to hear what they have to say.
4. Listen to understand, not to win. This was the number one thing that my team confronted me with in this fiasco — that I was only listening so I could defeat what was being said rather than understand the other person’s point of view.

I knew going into the meeting that our team has problems and I knew that it was my job to find a fix so that we can move forward and be productive in our operation. I rightly judged that the two biggest problems we had were arrogance and lack of effective, two-way communication. I was determined to make adjustments, and I arrived with a full head of steam about teaching everyone else what they needed to fix so that we would all be right.

I left that meeting humbled, having realized that the first adjustment to arrogance and lack of communication needed to start with me.