When You’re Facing the Wrong Way
#FeelingGod: Ready To Turn Around
I like to get up at 4 a.m. and write for an hour or two before the day unfolds. Wait. I mean, honestly, that’s not entirely true. I don’t like getting up at four in the morning. But two or three seconds after I roll out of bed, I’m really happy I did it.
God’s Joy Bubbles Over Like Champagne
I read Julia Cameron’s book, The Artist’s Way, last year. Julia inspired me to amp up my morning routine with what she calls Morning Pages, three or more handwritten pages in my journal. Before that, my journal-writing had been very much hit-or-miss. In her book, Julia advises us to jump out of bed and go straight to the matter. I did, and found it invigorating. I’d curl up in a comfy chair in the living room, not even stopping to brew a cup of tea or brush my teeth. Just a quick little prayer, and into the writing.
I loved it, because with this daily can’t-miss discipline, the words just flowed. I was filling up one notebook after another, then going back and writing in headlines here and there, so I could find the material later. Sure, some of what I wrote was absolute garbage, but a lot of it was surprisingly rich.
I found myself with lots of “rough draft” material, written in the wee early hours when my inner critic was fast asleep.
More importantly, the Creator approved of this early rising quiet time. I could hear Him better, and I felt I was pleasing Him. It reminded me of one of my favorite verses, James 4.8: “Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.” It’s an amazing feeling, to be in His presence, close and good. The world can’t give you that kind of joy that bubbles over inside till you feel like you’re going to burst.
Days of Distraction, Getting Lost In the Wilderness
I used to wonder what it was like for the apostles, after Jesus went back up to Heaven. Did they lose that sense of His closeness? Or was it something that came and went? The Lord had taught them to go apart to a deserted place, as He had done, to place themselves in the Father’s presence and be filled with His grace, so they might be re-energized to spread His gospel far and wide. Surely there must have been times when they felt overwhelmed by the task before them, or frightened and distracted by persecution, imprisonment and torture.
One by one, all of them were either put to a violent death or, in the case of St. John, banished. Many times they must have been tempted to give up. Surely the world and Satan worked hard to divide them from the Lord. Why should we not expect the same treatment? Satan uses subtler weapons now, endless 24/7 distractions. The world presses in hard.
Six months ago, my new husband and I moved into our beautiful new house and my much-cherished morning routine went right out the window. I struggled, finding it surprisingly difficult to get anything done. For weeks and weeks I found myself sleeping in and making excuses: “maybe when the painters are finished, or when we unpack all those boxes, or when I get my office set up the way I like it.”
Then, one morning, I looked up and realized what the problem was. I was literally dis-oriented. In my old house, where I’d lived for 32 years, where my children were born and raised, that house faced east. When I rose and started writing, I was used to feeling the sun creep along my right arm and across my face, letting me know it was time to lay aside my journal and get on with Pilates and the rest of my morning routine. By the time the sun was peeking through the trees, it was time to wake the children and start breakfast.
But the children were grown and gone now. I wasn’t a single mom anymore. I had remarried and moved on. Time to adjust, I told myself.
Til By Turning, We Come ‘Round Right
In the new house, the living room faced north, so I didn’t realize the sun was creeping over the horizon until hours later. I think, psychologically, I felt like I was on vacation, a time when my routine gets shaken up anyway. But it was more than that. I was in a new place. More than geographical impairment, my life had drastically changed.
I had wondered how that would feel. This change was a long time coming. For most of my adult life, I had lived in that little house by the Delaware River, raising my five children, including one with multiple disabilities. Decades flew by with me frantically stealing a few minutes to write here and there.
I had endless excuses, back then, not to write and I felt far from the Lord. It took me a long time to realize He’d called me to be a writer and that’s why I felt such distance between us when I wasn’t writing. As long as I had my journal open every day, and had a few stories or screenplays in the pipeline, my prayers were close and good. Why was it easier to write then? Maybe because I was single? I actually had a lot less time, with five young children. But when I turned away or let myself get busy doing other things, the excuses started piling up.
God isn’t fooled by our clever excuses. Married or single, childless or overflowing with progeny, He knows exactly where to find us. Why are we perennially surprised to find He knows us better than we do? When we turn away from Him, He turns away from us, respecting our foolish will to do as we please.
That’s also in James 4, verse 6: “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” While I’m all wrapped up in my foolish pride, procrastinating and spouting excuses about why I’m being disobedient to His will, He patiently bides His time. It’s all His time. He calls us to purify our hearts and stop trying to split our time between Him and the world. When we want things to go smoothly, we wise up and put Him first.
Which is what that first commandment is all about. I remember when I heard a preacher talk about putting the world first and he called it plainly what it was: idolatry. I bristled, when I heard that.
“I’m not worshipping false gods,” I protested, “I’m just kinda busy here. I’ve got all kinds of deadlines, perfectly good reasons why I can’t — “
Wait, what am I saying? Am I trying to convince God there’s a perfectly good reason why He doesn’t get to be first in my heart? Sounds pretty stupid, when you think about it. I felt a tug on my heart and turned around.
Most of the time, we’re walking a narrow tightrope between what we fear the world will think of us and what God knows of us.
Facing God, Finding Joy
I realized, whenever I feel lost its because I’m facing the wrong way. And sometimes I need to head in the wrong direction for a mile or two. Often because there’s a lesson to be learned and I tend to learn things the hard way. Far from His presence, I realize I’m lost, and small. And very humble.
Regardless of which direction my house faces, my heart can always find Him, and that’s all that matters. All I have to do is look up and remember who I am. His. In that wisdom of being still and knowing, I find myself before His throne. I’m no longer lost, I’m found.
