The thing about love… (Part 1)
I think I love you?
I have been reading a lot of scripture and articles on dating with a purpose, godliness, and marriage. This is my “hot take” in an insightful article that I hope inspires a lot of women. For these series of articles to be focused lol, I am going to go through every stage of a godly relationship, primarily focusing on romantic relationships. I am not an expert but I am writing as the holy spirit leads. I hope you are blessed by this.
1. So, I just met someone new or someone old popped up as a possibility.
This stage is exciting, it’s very exciting to met someone new. Y’know, the getting to know you stage, if it’s someone “old”, it’s seeing the person from a different perspective. I am extremely cautious of this stage, it requires holy spirit led discernment.
♪ Let’s start at the very beginning. ♪
Who is suppose to do the chasing? The bible says in Proverbs 18:22, He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord. The man is meant to do the chasing, now don’t get me wrong, chasing is very different from expressing interest. Yes, I believe you can express interest in a person or initiate regardless of gender but leave it up to him to do the pursuing. Please do not lead someone on, I think it's important to check ourselves to see if we are leading someone on. If you are not interested in the person, please express it, emotionally healthy and mature men will stop pursuing if interest is not mutually expressed, also be verbal and kind about it.
I believe many women have missed out on God-driven amazing men because of this notion of “he must approach me first”, men are human and not very different from women, they also get shy and might not want to come off as a creep or too upfront, and might need a little green light from you. On the flip side, if he initiates or approaches you first that is also okay!
Now with the initiation stage over, we need spirit led discernment in the “getting to know you phase”, if the person was already your friend, this still applies.
The bible says that the fruits of the spirit are key attributes that make up a true Christian, In Galatians 5:22-23 — But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentlenesses and self-control. Against such things, there is no law. I believe in getting to know a person as a friend first before pursuing a romantic relationship, then asking God for grace, guidance, and discernment in opening your eyes and heart to see if this romantic interest displays attributes of the fruit of the spirit. I might make a separate post on the fruits of the spirit. Another important fact, nobody is perfect! Almost everyone comes with some sought of trauma, it’s only through God, honesty, and self-awareness that we are healed and cleaned afresh.
Ladies, hear me! hear me!: KNOW YOUR WORTH!
YOU ARE THE PRIZE.
To be honest, everyone has insecurities, we all come with some sort of baggage regarding our self-identity, it might be bodily or materially. The first step to overcome insecurity is to know and identify what makes you insecure e.g. weight, money, hair etc. Identify and accept that yes, I feel insecure about this. Then love yourself in spite of it, it’s a learning process and you will stumble many times, and that's okay! If it’s something you want to change, have an honest conversation with yourself about changing it, go ahead and take steps towards that but it must come from a place of SELF-LOVE and not SELF-LOATHE.
You must be a WHOLE person before you can allow a person to love you in the way you want to be loved. By WHOLE I don’t mean perfect. Oh no no no. I mean you must be content with yourself first before you can extend that part of you to love and be loved by another person.
Now, how do you want to be loved? I cannot speak for you but I can speak for myself. I believe healthy love must consist of the following:
Grace: It takes grace to fully love another person and allow them to love you. The bible says in, 2 Corinthians 12:8–9 — Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. The importance of grace cannot be understated because it is the driving force that will keep you going especially when trials come along (esp for married couples). Grace is the foundation of God’s relationship with us. Grace is the God’s gift of salvation. Grace is unmerited favor by God, this grace can also be extended to another person. It brings you into perspective, that is; Everybody makes mistakes, no one is perfect, Forgiveness takes grace, and grace takes loving someone in spite of their flaws.
Acceptance: Like the above point said, no one is perfect. Perfection is the grandest delusion, we are extremely flawed humans. There will always be someone smarter, more attractive, fun, younger, richer, classier, talented e.t.c Loving someone is accepting them for who they are and who they are not. Don’t settle for someone who doesn't love you for YOU, flaws and all. That also means that the person is bold enough to correct you from a place of love including when you are being proactive and asking for the grace of God to change a toxic behavior you have. Song of Solomon 8:3 — I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine.
Action: Many people don’t realize and practice this, Love is a doing word. Love is very deliberate. You don’t feel in love, you do love. Love takes action, love takes consistency. Love means being kind, laughter, attention, romance (love languages), support, vulnerability, protection, having self-control, effort, and honest communication. You choose to love someone. Love is choosing someone over and over again.
*This is why it is so important to be friends first, let’s be real, you might (very high chance) fall out of love with the person, at some point in time (in marriage) the key is to not fall out of love at the same time, when this happens, the friendship will still remain, and you can fall in love with your partner all over again*
Boundaries: Love is understanding boundaries during the dating/courting stage and in marriage. Understanding and practicing boundaries require healthy and honest communication, this also means setting boundaries for yourself and in the relationship. For example, sex before marriage is a no-no for a practicing Christian that means setting and expressing boundaries such as “No sex before marriage” and if you know that you are the type of person that is still working on self-control( it’s perfectly okay!) and acts such as kissing can lead to one thing or another. You can set a personal boundary to abstain from kissing until marriage or putting yourself/yourselves in a position that can lead to sex. Boundaries are not all about sexual boundaries lol. There are also emotional, material, intellectual and physical boundaries you can communicate to your partner about and vis a vis. Your partner understanding your boundaries (vis a vis), means you both respect and protect each other. Romans 12: 10 says, Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.
Change: This is the one, as humans it’s hard for us to fathom. People change, it’s in our nature. It takes the grace of God. A person can change in months, years even weeks. Although the change might not be drastic, we have to understand that sometimes the person you married might be a different version of themselves today and tomorrow while coming from an honest place. Even you, yourself, can change and you might not even notice it, that's why it's so important to have an honest and kind conversation with your partner by asking questions such as:
. Do you think I am loving you the way you want to be loved? Has anything changed in the way I love you?
. How do you think I can be better in our relationship?
. What aspects of my character has improved or reduced for better or worse?
Numbers 23:1 — God is not human, that he should lie, not a human being, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?
I am not perfect and I can never claim to be, I will have to return to this article many times in my life to learn, unlearn and relearn about love. Sometimes it's easier to give advice than to follow it. From the depth of my heart, I hope this article increased your understanding of God’s love for us and our love for our fellow human being. I hope to write several parts talking about marriage, waiting, toxic relationships, the pressure to get married, sex e.t.c. I will leave you with this phrase:
DON’T SETTLE!
Capiche?!
