A letter from Me to my Self, my old and not that old Self.
On all the ways that I betray myself
Dear self,
I have to tell you you many things and I will put them all down on paper, one by one, hoping that you have the courage to read my words and understand why I find you unreliable and that I can not trust or believe you.
You have made a promisse that you will change. You have made a commitment that you will change. I have listened to you going over all aspects of your life, figuring out your values, figuring out what is important for you. And all the time you put on a show, trying to convince me that you act in integrity and in alignment with your values, that you do know why you do what you do, what your priorities are.
But I am in pain. Intense pain, confusion and depression. And I finally understand why.
You are unreliable. You say you want to do things and then you don’t.
I won’t ask how your language skills are coming along, as I know that you’ve realized multiple times by now that it’s one of the best investments you can make while living as an expat in a foreign country. And yet you did not do anything about it.
Or how about that meditation practice that you wanted to start and really commit to it this time. This time. It was like last time. Nothing.
Or the little promisses that you make yourself every day. “This evening I will do yoga”. “This evening I will clean the house.” “This evening I will work in the garden.” “This evening I will look over my administration.”
This evening never happens, does it now?
And oh, those excuses! “I hate yoga!” Who cares, my dear? Your back is weak, you know it, and yoga does wonder to it. And yet you insist that you hate yoga… And your back hurts again.
I listen to you and I suffer. Because deep down I know that you were unreliable and I cant trust you. Because you can’t control your impulses and you are easily distracted.
You are impulsive. You buy things on impulse and then don’t use them anymore. Remember the guitar? 300E just like that in an afternoon in the city. How long did it take to abandon it and not do anything with it anymore? Because it felt hard. Your fingers certainly were sore after the first few tries.
You get excited about new things, workshops, and courses without finishing them or doing anything practical with what you have already done. All those meditation courses, and tantra, and what not. Do you actually know why you do what you do?
You are easily distracted, which means you can’t focus on one thing for long. If you have to focus for a long time, you get frustrated and you don’t like that. Pursuing a goal that requires long-term concentration and dedication is too frustrating for you and you want to avoid it. Intellectual tasks are of course like that. They also happen to be the gist of your work. So what will you do about it?
Maybe that meditation practice would come in handy…
You can take 1 million courses and workshops and still not find your purpose or understand the meaning of being present. You find your purpose by sitting in silence and paying attention to youself. Very boring, I know, certainly not as interesting as getting your ass fucked at a tantra retreat.
You find your purpose by looking around you, by putting your ego aside, and doing something that serves a greater purpose. You read the book “The Second Mountain” and I think you should read it again, especially the second part. Because reaching the second mountain does not mean relaxation, all fun, and no work.
No. It means doing something for someone else, for someone or something outside of yourself. And you don’t have to look far to find that. It is here, everywhere around you. It is the old neighbour who didnt get out of the house for 3 days or the single mother next door trying to figure out how to keep her job and care for her child. But you cant see anything that you dont want to see.
But actually, you don’t want that at all, the stress, the work, the frustration, the time spent trying to help another human being. And you’re lying to yourself when you say you want to make a change in the world. You cant even make a change to a person next door to you. You cant even make a change for youself.
You feel alone and you want to connect deeply with someone. You will never really be able to connect with anyone until you become a pillar of stability and reliability. Only then will your partner be able to let down their shields and trust you completely. Until then, you can look and be open to all the connections in the world, but you will never really feel safe and securely connected.
You are so insecure inside and want to prove yourself. You want respect and admiration from people. But by your behavior and the image you have created of yourself — the funny, sarcastic, crazy, unpredictable rebel — you don’t get that. And you will never get it if you continue to portray that image. Because this is all just a defense. Deep down inside, you’re afraid people will see how inadequate you feel.
If you really want admiration and respect, the trick is to do your work well, step by step, without compromise, because good work is already a reward in itself. In that case, what people say is not important. In that case, you wouldn’t even tell anyone that you’re working to do this and that.
Take your work seriously. Work tirelessly and silently to be a “craftsman” in your work, without expecting a statue or recognition, but because you know that how you do your work is more important than what other people say about the results of your work.
“Presence” is not a status. It’s not admiration. It’s not standing ovations from the people around you. It’s not even recognition. Presence means being here and now, with what is. A child who is moody, a task that requires a lot of work, a goal that will not materialize out of nowhere. But your schedule is so full that you dont even have time to sit in silence and reflect about your life, what you are doing and why.
The pain I feel when I look at you, this pain inside of me, is the best gift I have. It’s my bullshit detector. Is my detector for fake excuses and victim like attitude. I thought I had to get rid of it, but now I know that when I feel that pain, the situation we are in is not okay. I’m sensitive to everything that’s not trustworthy, that is not in integrity. That’s when I feel confused and I feel pain. And you’re definitely triggering a lot of pain in me.
I am angry at myself for seeing the signs that you were fundamentally no different than before. But I love you and I hoped. I hoped that the signs I saw were not true.
This has to stop. You know it. If I cant trust you, no one will and thus suffering will never end.
What to do, you ask. Start where you are. Check yourself when you start saying: “I will do… ”. Will you really do it? Is it realistic? Do you have a plan for how you will do it?
Take one step at a time. Tiny steps. But do them. Every day. No excuses. No more excuses.
After a while, when I see that you are seriously committed to the process, I will start to trust you. And I know that then the pain that I feel will lift.
With love, your hurting soul.
If you enjoyed reading this one, please consider following me and “clap” for it. It can handle up to 50 claps, per reader! If you like to be notified when I publish a new story, sign up here.
