Avoidance as punishment

Why is it that I avoid and postpone doing things? Also called resistance by some. I have to do or I want to do something and then I feel resistance. I just don't want to do it, my mind goes blanc, and if I listen closely I literally hear a cry inside: “I don’t want to do this! Why do I have to do this?”. Emotions start to manifest: irritation, anger, frustration. And depending on the situation, thoughts go on and end up playing the “This is stupid! I can never do what I want to do!” or the “This is so unfair! Why cant (he / she / they) do this?”. I end up feeling trapped in my own life, resenting that I “have to do” things, even the ones that I wanted to do.

I will then procrastinate, avoid as much as I can. The excuse I will use to do this is usually “I don't have energy, I am so tired” or “this will take too much time, I cant do it now”. Avoiding provides me some relief. “Phew… I don’t need to do it now, I will do it tomorrow” I hear myself negotiating in my head. Of course, this does not work so well. Tomorrow the circus starts again. The deadline will come near and anxiety will rise and rise… Then the questions of those around me: “Did you do that thing?” which will trigger anger directed at the person asking and shame and guilt directed at me.

Left unchecked, it goes further. How do I extinguish all those emotional fires? I eat a cookie. Or two. Or all the jar. Nowadays, to calm down the guilt and shame that I experience after that feast, I eat vegan. Is ok to emo-eat if is vegan, isn’t it?

What a circus. It’s really not working as a life strategy. It really doesn't. It sucks. It is the perfect example of digging your own grave and creating your own suffering. Why am I doing this to myself?

I do know what I am doing. Is not like I am blind to my plots and all the tactics that I use to avoid to do things. I have tracked my habit loops: there’s a trigger (something to be done), there is an emotional reaction (anxiety / fear), then comes the resistance and the “I don't want to do this” plus all the mental negotiation rationalizing why is ok to not do it now but later, which leads to the behavior (procrastination) which gives some relief from the anxiety / fear but leads to more anxiety because deadlines and people asking.

Because I am not blind to myself and I see what I am doing (again), things get worse because of the self-judgement: “you are doing it again, you see that right?”, “you should have done that”, “you can never do anything right, isn’t it?”, “you are such a bad person”. Feeling bad about myself. What a perfect punishment for my crimes.

Why am I doing this then? Why am I creating the circumstances needed for me to punish myself? It is absolutely not functional on all levels. It struck me today. It is like alcohol or drug use for an addict. Really not a functional or beneficial thing to do on the long term, but I am still doing it. What am I accomplish then by being addicted to punishment?

Am I addicted to punishment? Is the punishment some kind of a relief to a deeper pain? If I get punished for something terrible hidden inside me, do I get some temporary relief from that pain? Do I imagine that I deserve to be punished? What can I have done (or imagined that I have done) that deserves constant punishment?

Thoughts come to mind: “What is wrong with you? Why cant you be normal, like anyone else?”. A memory comes up: I was 17, in love with some boy. I had no idea how to go about it, so I was talking as myself, using the words that I wanted to use, talking about the things that interested me then, mainly books on phycology and philosophy. I remember his face and voice when he asked: “Why cant you talk normal? Why cant you use normal words?”. I learned two things then: I am not normal (normal people don't talk like me) and if I want to be loved, I have to become normal.

Obviously, that relationship did not happen. But the “why cant you be normal?” stayed. And all the next rejections and failed relationships added more evidence for the “I am not normal, somethings is wrong with me” belief. Which in time got associated with guilt: “is your fault for everything falling apart. If you would just be normal then everything would be fine and you would be happy”.

What a wonderful grave I dig for myself. I am punishing myself for being me, while creating situations that validate the belief that something is wrong with me and that I deserve to be punished. Welcome to samsara.