Beneath the Surface of Infatuation: A Deeper Look at Limerence and Transference
A journey through the emotional rollercoaster of infatuation and the complexity of managing our heart’s desires
Several days ago, a friend suggested we talk about transference and limerence next time we see each other. I had no idea what those terms meant when I first heard them. As I’m on vacation and walking between 5 and 6 hours a day, I have plenty of time to look up whatever sparks my curiosity during breaks and then to think about whatever strikes my fancy during walks.
So limerence is basically when one is so infatuated with someone that they experience intense passion and their minds are full of intrusive thoughts. In other words, they can’t stop thinking about their object of limerence.
My first impression of this term was that it seems so chic, doesn’t it? A much more elevated version of the trivial expressions “infatuated” or “love-struck” or “head over heels in love”. I bet that fewer than 5% of the people with a college degree actually know what the word means. On the other hand, it is a handy dandy term that describes a very peculiar state — a state in which one feels like one’s mind and body are being hijacked by forces or thoughts beyond their control.
Am I familiar with this state? Of course I am. My first time experiencing it was when I was a teenager and got crush on a boy from a parallel class. Later in college, I got infatuated with a young lecturer. It is fair to say that throughout my life, I have experienced the same ordeal on different occasions. Maybe some people have an inclination for limerence?
As far as my experience is concerned, it was quite a frustrating state to be in. Waking up in the morning and the first thing that comes to mind is “him”. And then the emotional pain: “he doesn’t love me!”. ‘Boehoehoe’, cry me a river, even before getting a cup of coffee! And not only the thoughts, but the body also! A constant state of arousal!
Trying to do some work in this state was like trying to convince a wild river to flow nicely on another riverbed.
And the most dangerous side effect of limerence for me has been that when it finally went away, I also came to the conclusion that love had come to an end. I found that idea to be profoundly and devastatingly damaging to the relationship I had with others. Because the best kind of limerence is the one that is not shared. That one really burns deep. So guess how many of those “impossible loves” I accidentally got into throughout my life? Too many for my own good. But I was addicted to the emotional pain and to what I thought was love. And addiction can’t be reasoned with, can it?
As a former friend once told me, people cannot control who they fall in love with, they can only control what they will do about it.
As easy as it is to say, it is difficult to do. Thoughts are so persuasive, aren’t they? “I’m so interesting and important! Pay attention to me! I might give you the best insight ever! Pay attention to me, or you’ll lose that insight… for ever! ”. So we give our attention to them. Convinced of their utility, importance and urgency.
When I started to really pay attention to my thoughts, which is when I learned to meditate, I was absolutely amazed by the random stuff that goes on in my mind. Fragments of songs, worries, jokes and the occasional “what should we have for dinner?” In no particular order, rising from who knows where to the light of awareness and returning to who knows where. Leaving me flabbergasted and slightly concerned about the state of my mind.
Later when I met Iboga, the amount of rubbish that my mind produces was made painfully obvious. All those thoughts, all claiming to be so important, and all wanting to capture my attention!
“Whatever you meet during your journey” the shaman guiding the ceremony told us, “if they talk to you in your own language, they are just thoughts”.
I was wandering around within my inner realm and a couple of high elves approached me. They told me that they were coming from a different dimension and they will explain me how is the business with the form and the emptiness. They knew that I had a keen interest in the issue after reading some buddhist texts. So we spent quite some time (not that time has any meaning when under the influence of psychedelics) doing simulations of the universe. Really. In 3D. But I still was not satisfied, it didn’t seem right. And then it hit me! This was one of my favourite mind games!!! My mind being all cocky: “I am smart and I can figure this out!”.
I started to laugh and told the high elves that I know that they are just thoughts and I’m leaving. And the funniest thing happened! They started to get all anxious and agitated while trying to convinced me to stay: “Really, trust us, we can do it! Let’s run another simulation, this time it will work!”. I wished them good luck with their work and left.
It’s really so simple. But it needs a lot of practice in just saying to the thoughts: “thank you, and good luck with whatever you are doing, I will be on my way”.
I have done a lot of practicing. Iboga was kind to me and gave me enough to practice on. Until I could really accept that thoughts are there, with their own life, doing their thing, and I had no power over them. And my attempts to control them, to change them, to tame them, to make them disappear? Simply hilarious and completely ineffective. Because all those attempts were ways to engage with the thoughts and when I was doing that, I was feeding them and keeping them alive.
On an online guide was proposed that a way to deal with limerence is by using transference. Say that one got fixated on an object of limerence that is for some reason not suitable, a way to get out of the predicament would be to take the infatuation and transfer it onto someone that is more appropriate.
This strategy struck me as rather inefficient. First of all, I didn’t like limerence in the first place because it made me rather not functional. You change one object of limerence with another one, hoping that this time the infatuation will be shared. How is that solving the basic problem of the mind and the body being hijacked?
Second, it is like with the thoughts: you are still engaging with all that mind content. And worse, you judge it (bad limerence, bad object of my desires!)! My past experience was very clear on this respect: the more I did that, the stronger the grip that those thoughts had on me.
I wish I could pinpoint the precise moment or practice that allowed me to accept my thoughts as they are and let them go, that is let them do their thing while I am doing mine. I can’t. A big step was made during the iboga ceremony. Other steps were made when I surrounded myself with friends that can point out to me when the stories run the show. The more I don’t engage with the thoughts, the less powerful they are. And by this I mean the less power they have on demanding my attention.
Is rather quiet here. There is love. There is happiness. There is a runny nose. There is exhaustion in my body. There is peace. Tomorrow I return to home. But tomorrow is tomorrow and now my mind is doing something – I wouldn’t know what, while I am finishing this story. As for the transference and limerence topics – I have no idea what my friend has in mind for when we will see each other, but that’s nothing that requires my attention now. I will find out anyway when that moment will come.
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