Maintain the Me Within the We
I remember the first time I realized every story I told started with “we.” And, these were stories I was telling to people who didn’t know the other half of my “we.” No one batted an eye, but it got me thinking . . .
How much of “me” is there in my “we” relationship?
A truly strong relationship is built of two independent people who choose to spend a large amount of their time (and money) together. Your independence is your ability to function as an individual human within the world. IMHO, no one person should define your personality or life more than you do. Seeking balance between your relationship and your identity as an independent person makes for a stronger relationship.
And this is even more true when it comes to finances.
Focus on you, not two
Financial literacy is sexy. It’s easy to feel intimidated by, or want to brush off the need to understand, taxes, bills, and where money goes. Seriously, going over my joint and solo spending spreadsheets isn’t how I want to spend my Saturdays. But, as one part of a two-person relationship, I want to feel like I’m the badass CFO of my personal spending, and an equal contributor to shared spending with my partner.
I want to feel empowered to spend my money through understanding it, and feel grounded in money conversations with my partner.
Define your spending personality
We intuitively know we want a partner who laughs at the same jokes, likes the same movies, and has similar values as we do, but what about how they spend their money? Money is a taboo topic, but it shouldn’t be. Define how each of you likes to spend, talk about your spending differences and talk about your shared financial goals. Have a sense of what expenses are shared, which are private, and how to maintain financial independence within your relationship. Easy peasy… right?
Share independence
Entering a relationship with another person is like shared independence. Things slowly become integrated, but there are certain aspects of your life that may remain private. There’s no rush to share everything, you and your partner define what’s to be shared, what’s not and when.
And you’re not alone in maintaining your financial independence — 22 million Americans in a committed relationship choose not to combine finances, with 70% of millennial couples waiting to tie the knot before deciding to share a bank account.
How do I practice shared independence, and why?
Maintaining a separate bank account from your partner gives you independence to spend your money as you choose, but still contribute to the shared expenses. The way to make this successful is to discuss and choose joint financial obligations.
Not many folks get excited about spreadsheets, but create one now to help keep track of joint costs with your partner. This gives you something to review each month to make sure you’re splitting joint expenses equitably and saving toward your shared experiences.
As long as both partners are meeting their obligations, the rest is private. Not like “secret” private, more like “it’s mine and I’m going to spend it in line with my values” kind of private. Setting and meeting shared goals makes it easier to not sweat the small things. As long as Bae pays their share of rent, who cares if they get a gourmet coffee everyday? If you give independence, you’ll get it too.
Maintaining separate bank accounts and practicing shared independence also makes it easy to surprise your partner with date nights, gifts or weekend trips. Keep it interesting!
Sharing responsibility for joint costs can also be a way of building trust and learning about your partner. Consider these financial obligations as a test of responsibility. If your partner isn’t meeting their share of joint financial costs and goals, do you actually hold the same financial values?
On a serious note, financial independence also helps prevent financial manipulation and abuse. No one wants to believe their partner could have these tendencies, but women are faced with an almost 1 in 4 chance of being financially controlled (*) by their partner. Look out for any red flags (*) that might belie control issues underneath the surface.
* Trigger warning: these links could be distressing to those who have experienced domestic violence or other forms of abuse.
Your financial identity
Financial self care
How does money make you feel? Do you derive satisfaction from sitting on savings or spending money on experiences? Ascribe a value to every dollar you spend: quality time with your partner, supporting local businesses paying down your student debt, savings for a trip abroad, you name it. This is financial self care- doing what gives you a positive relationship to your money.
Don’t forget financial self care is an integral part of a romantic relationship. If you’re not feeling happy with your own wallet, your financial relationship with your boo won’t be as strong. Take the time you need to take care of your finances and ask for support from your partner in achieving your personal money goals.
Treat Yo’self
If you’re meeting the financial goals and costs of your relationship and practicing financial self care, it’s time you invest in your happiness and spend money on you. Go ahead and get that massage or take that yoga class, self care and splurges are an integral part of being who you are.
Maybe you love to keep a wide selection of fair-trade coffee or treasure getting the newest piece of tech the day it debuts — you do you, unashamedly! Spend like you mean it and value your quality of life. A happier you means a happier pair.
Respect financial boundaries
Finances are a sensitive, emotional, and very personal topic. We all carry some money baggage around with us or spending habits we picked up throughout our childhoods. Having shared and private spending can reduce relationship tension around finances.
As you reveal yourself financially to your partner, expect respect and give respect. Accept your partner for how they choose to spend their money and don’t try to “fix” them. It’s important to discuss money and spending with your partner, but happier couples don’t judge one another’s spending habits. Unless their behavior is negatively impacting your quality of life (i.e. your partner not helping shoulder the shared costs), let your partner express their own financial personality.
Bottom line
Sharing finances is something to grow into. Instead of jumping into the deep end, start slow. You and your partner get to decide exactly what financial information you share with one another and what expenses are personal and which are shared. Practicing financial independence engenders trust, respect and healthy boundaries.
The more you and your partner talk about money habits, define expectations, and decide what’s shared or private, the healthier and stronger your relationship will be, and the easier it will be to maintain the “me” within your “we” relationship.
