4 Things My Toddler Says That Make Me Want to Put My Head in a Blender

Don’t worry, Cupcake. Daddy’s just a little pureed right now.

Let me start by saying I love my daughter.

I love the way she grins with pride after stacking her blocks or finishing a puzzle. I love the way she giggles when I tickle her feet or boop her on the nose. I love the way she surprises me with new words, spontaneous hugs, and recollections of events I had long forgotten.

But living with a toddler is not all boops and giggles. There are certain things my daughter does that make me want to run outside, hide in the trash bin, and wait to be hauled off to the dump.

“What is this, Daddy?”

At first it was endearing. “What is this, Daddy?” she asked, holding up a plastic bunch of asparagus, her voice ringing with innocence. She knew what she was holding, of course. But she was mimicking the way her daddy asked her to identify objects.

Adorable, right?

Wrong, Shelley Long. Like a bad friend who chuckles at his alcoholic friend’s antics, until one day that friend winds up in a jail cell for punching out a waiter, I enabled this habit until it became an unrelenting assault.