A Work In Progress — Being a Stepmom
A few years before having biological children, I had become a stepmom, to three boys who are currently aged 6, 16, and 18.
I wish this article was titled “Lessons I learned…” or “How to be a stepmom” but I have a long way to go before I am able to write about the lessons I’ve learned.
This article is more me sharing my experience and reflections, in ways that I find hard to admit, even to myself, and especially to my husband. That’s why writing this article is difficult for me. I have unresolved feelings, and it’s hard for me to be vulnerable around my experience as a stepmom. Whenever I’m asked what it’s like, I answer only with half-truths; it’s harder than I expected, but the boys are a great help and aren’t much of a burden.
All of which is true, most of the time. What I don’t say is how being a stepmom is uncomfortable most days, and has forced me to grow in many ways. I still try and fail at finding the balance of what it means to be a stepmom.
The stepmom role is hard for me to define. How do you navigate what it means to be a stepmom when you have no frame of reference or real-life examples of people around you? In a culture where divorces aren’t very common, and spotting a step-parent is like spotting a unicorn in the wild, there are not many personal or culturally relevant references to learn from.
I also realized that when we first got married, I didn’t want to be a stepmom. I kept repeating, I am not your stepmom, I am not a parent, I’m just the second adult in the family. That worked, for a while.
Our living arrangement included having all three boys over for the weekend, spending one or two nights with us, and then five days a week, it would be just me and my husband. This worked for two years, until the mother of the older two boys decided she’s had enough of raising teenagers, and kicked them out suddenly.
The situation was a lot more nuanced, but in effect, that’s what the result was. They showed up at our place at 9 PM on a Saturday night with a backpack each, and a bunch of hurt feelings.
Over the next few days, we tried to unpack what had happened, and what it meant for them — and for us. Their mother made it clear that she didn’t want them living with her. She agreed to them going over to her house to talk, and when they showed up, they found all their stuff left outside the door with the locks changed.
For the next few months, we were all shell-shocked. It began to sink in that this isn’t an extended weekend arrangement, and that suddenly both my husband and I had a lot more responsibility than we had anticipated, and definitely more than I had signed up for.
That was over 16 months ago when things changed for all of us. Throughout it all, I’ve had to learn how to be vulnerable with them, take care of them — to some extent — while at the same time learn not to expect anything in return.
I know that is one part of what being a parent is; you give for their own sake, not for the sake of anything in return, but a part of me still resists the idea of being a parent for my stepchildren. I wonder if other step-parents feel the same way? How do you define what it means to you, to be a step-parent, and how do you manage conflicting feelings?
Some of the reasons I feel I resist being a parent is a common sentiment I’ve heard, but often in an exclusionary, not very kind, manner. They already have both parents, they don’t need you to be another parent.
Another reason is I didn’t want to be a parent when I got married. I married my husband because I love him, and just accepted that the kids are part of the package. I never thought of what the day-to-day would include and my role in it all.
I also find it very hard to manage all of their feelings, especially the feelings they have about me. I wish I could say that three years in, they have fully accepted me and my relationship with their father, but this is still something I have to deal with, and usually on my own.
How do I navigate feelings that the teenage boys are still going through when it comes to my involvement in their dad’s life, or the now six-year-old, thinking I’m “Daddy’s sister” because he couldn’t understand at age four how his Mommy and Daddy aren’t married.
I wish I could say I dealt with it all as a mature, responsible adult but the truth is I have failed at it more times than I would like to admit. Being defensive, having hurt feelings, and wanting my husband to fix it all. All very human feelings but not very helpful when I am expected to — and needed to be — mature about it all.
For the sake of writing a balanced article, I feel an urge to say how it’s not all that bad. There are days I feel grateful for having them in my life, they challenge me and push me to grow as well as give much love and care — on occasion.
And still, what makes it all worth it, and a decision I would make again, is the relationship I have with my husband. He is a beautiful soul, that I am grateful for every day. At the end of the day, getting a hug from him still makes me melt and feel insanely loved.
So while I’m still learning how to have a balance, set boundaries, and not overstretch myself while expecting too much from them, I feel supported and loved, and I am grateful for that.
