Across Five Mother’s Days
The Real Gifts I’ve Been Given
My first Mother’s Day was a blur. Pride buoyed me, exhaustion weighed me down, and I had been teetering somewhere in the middle of the two for eight months. We had slowed waaaay down, trying to keep up with what to do and when to do it. No one is prepared for parenthood, but I knew that through sheer love, I was going to keep you alive. You were the best thing I had ever done, and I was blessed to celebrate it. It was a joyful day.
The second Mother’s Day, life was a bit more put together. We were better rested, and you no longer needed to cling to me or even hold my hand. I had spent the year watching you behold the wonders of the world and it was magical. With you on my lap, we listened to the way the wind whistles through trees. You delighted in the feel of raindrops on your skin, and the tickle of dog whiskers on your face. I realized that, impossibly, my love for you had grown, and you were not only surviving, but thriving. It was a joyful day.
The third Mother’s Day we had a new friend; You became a sister and I a mother anew. We were all exhausted again, we slowed waaay back down. I struggled to keep up with both your needs, to cultivate balance. Often I failed. Occasionally I didn’t. But you were both happy and healthy. Though all which had been ordered was once more chaotic, we were balanced enough, and I realized we had all we needed. It was a joyful day.
The fourth Mother’s Day saw our continued evolution. You had become a young lady and he a young man, and I had spent the year watching your relationship as siblings grow. You could run together, play and laugh. You taught him what you knew while still navigating novelties yourself, and I realized that we are all a bit of a teacher and a bit of a student. I was so grateful. It was a joyful day.
The fifth Mother’s Day was once again different. I was grappling with the idea of a world where we might not be together. I slept a lot, and we slowed down once again. It was now you who were showing me the wonders of the world. Once again you sat on my lap as we listened to the wind whistle through the trees, and I watched the sunlight settle on the earth, changing color throughout the day. You shared with me your continued wisdom, that laughter and giggles are sown into the everyday, and it is those things that comprise living. “I am the most fortunate person in the world,” I realized. It was a joyful day.
Tomorrow marks our sixth Mother’s Day. I am no longer sick, and we are all fairly well-rested. Chaos continues to reign, and I’ve given in to the notion that I don’t have it all together. And that’s okay. Because I still remember what you’ve been teaching me across all these Mother’s Days. Sometimes it’s sheer love that keeps us living, and it’s really all one needs.
Originally published at https://facingmonsters.com on May 9, 2020.
