An Open Letter to All Women Who Have Had Their Heart Broken from a Failed IVF or Pregnancy Loss
A letter of encouragement — this too shall pass.
I am not comfortable sharing personal stories to others outside my inner circle. I have been thinking and rethinking whether I should share this story to the public.
When I was suffered the most from a failed IVF, I tried to Google for some articles that shared a similar experience. Something that could give me a kind of consolation or encouragement. I was looking for someone who has suffered the same heartbreak. I found only a few that could help me feel that I was not alone.
So I decided to dedicate this article to all women who have been through the failed IVF or pregnancy loss.
I Know…What You Have Been Through.
- The hospital becomes your second home in the past 4–5 weeks.
- You used to hold your breath during the injection. But now, it becomes a usual routine that you get so much used to it. Your heart no longer beats faster at the sight of the needle.
- The touch of a needle on your arm used to make you cringed, but now you feel nothing when it landed on your belly.
- You used to be healthy and resisting to mediation. Lately, you have to take a handful of pills four times a day.
- The difficulty and uneasiness from inserting vaginal gel become the easiest thing to do, when you compare it to waiting for a blood test result.
I Know…How You Feel.
Hesitation after the doctor told you that you did not get a grade A embryo. Moreover, you have only two embryos left to transfer.
“Will my babies healthy and strong?”
Pain and Concern after waking up from sedation during the egg retrieval process.
Worry when you had zero pregnancy symptom after embryo transfer. Your mind unbelievably went to different direction.
“Will the embryo stick? Why I feel nothing?”
“Or maybe I was bending down to pick up something on the floor and the embryo already slipped out?”
“I shouldn’t have gone back to work.”
Joy you cannot stop smiling after taking a home pregnancy test and found 2 lines for the first time in the past 36 months!
Shock like someone just turned off all the light in the world when the doctor called and told you your hormones level was too low than standard.
Exhaustion because you had been getting the daily injection, consuming a bunch of pills a meal, and inserting a vaginal gel every night.
“Why our babies don’t stay with us?”
“What have I done wrong?”
Sorrow when you need to swallow the lump in your throat because you did not want to cry in front of others when they said to you
“That’s alright. You can try again.”
“Don’t worry. You can try it often.”
“Is it because you are not so healthy? You should give up already.”
Alone like no one understood you when someone asked you
“What have you done? Have you been stressful? Or maybe you haven’t eaten enough nutrition? Why did the hormone drop?”
Eventually, when I knew that our babies stayed with us for only a brief moment before they were gone…. The feeling that no word of consolation could make it feel better.
- Uncertain about what to do next.
- Doubt about whether next time would be another failure and whether I could take it.
- Terrify of nighttime because the monkey mind started its shift and brought back uncontrollable sadness.
I Know…You will get through this.
Like any other difficulties we have faced in life, time will heal all the wounds. Each day brings a new opportunity to try again whenever you feel ready.
- Try to remain calm and get busy with your daily routine prior to the IVF.
- Try to find laughter and happiness…even if you have to try so freaking hard. But you got to try because your life has to move on with or without the babies.
- Play with a pet, read books that can distract you into its world, watch a movie that comforts your soul and talk to a friend that always put a smile on your face.
- Most importantly, share your feeling with your partner. There are only two of you on this journey.
It might be a difficult journey, but it is just another test of life. You will get through this. I hope you will get through this smoothly. Because the only certainty on earth is uncertainty. Nothing is permanent, even your current problems in life.
For me, time starts to heal my wounds. Every morning I wake up a little less obsessed about the babies I never get to meet. I felt more emotionally stable after my husband and I went to made merit at the temple (and a mosque). We prayed that our babies would stay in a heavenly place. And when they are ready, they could come back to be with us anytime. Sometimes, all you need is a proper closure to move forward.
