Battle of Wills Over Sleep
I have a silly mantra that’s getting me through the first few months of my daughter’s life: “It won’t be like this when she’s 18.” I won’t be carrying her on my body to her prom, she won’t be strapped into a carrier when it’s time for her to take her driver’s license, I won’t be rocking her to sleep in her dorm room. This state of exhaustion won’t last forever.
For weeks, I’ve tried to make her a “good sleeper.” I’ve spent entire days lulling her to sleep in my arms and then placing her down, only to have those large grey eyes stare back at me, a look of sheer disappointment on my little one’s face as she realizes she is back to being awake when she so desperately wants to be asleep.
All day, we do this. Her eyes and eyebrows get red — not from crying, although that does happen too — but from exhaustion. Her body wants to sleep, but I fail to make it happen for her — unless, of course, I strap her to my body and dance around the house. I’ve walked five miles in circles in my own home, back and forth down the hall connecting our open spaces — from the kitchen to the living room, down the hall to the bedroom, back and forth again. Nothing works. Nothing.
The other day, someone asked me what I do for a living, and I was baffled by the difficulty I had in describing my job. It’s not complicated — I’m just not used to thinking about anything other than wake windows, counting the minutes she sleeps, and keeping track of her food and bowels.
I started researching sleep trainers, only to realize that I don’t need someone to tell me I’m doing this all wrong. I know the crying out method isn’t for me, and there doesn’t seem to be many options between that and giving into what she needs. I’ll carry my little girl for as long as I can. I’ll help her get a few hours of sleep when she takes it. Because her growing body and mind need sleep, and I’ve made that the priority over everything else.
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For more stories by Evie Gold — go to https://eviegold.substack.com/
