Breast is Best, Except When It’s Not
An insistence on exclusive breastfeeding became dangerous
“Your son is starving.”
I was at the paediatrician’s office for my son’s two-week check in. My son’s weight had dropped below the 10% allowance and the doctor didn’t mince words.
I sobbed as I clutched my son to my chest. I promised the doctor, my son, myself, and the universe that I would get this breastfeeding business sorted out. I would do whatever it took, and I didn’t care how much it hurt, how little sleep I would get, or how difficult it would be.
I would breastfeed, because I wanted to be a “good mother” and I would do what was best for my child—at any cost.
Problems Began Early
The problems I encountered with breastfeeding started immediately after delivery.
For a variety of reasons (in part due to being pumped full of oxytocin to induce labour and taking steroids for a blood condition), my son struggled to latch, and I struggled to produce milk.
While at the hospital, I was hooked up to an industrial-sized milking machine that pumped out my dignity but little else. I attended breastfeeding group classes and had private counselling sessions. Milk finally emerged, but my son still struggled to access it effectively.
The hospital where my son was born is part of the Baby-friendly Hospital Initiative, launched by the World Health Organization and UNICEF, which recommends exclusive breastfeeding for six months.
No one ever suggested I give a bottle of formula to take the pressure off. I didn’t even think of it as an option.
We were eventually discharged with encouragement and a variety of gadgets: bags of tiny syringes, little spoons, nipple shields and plastic tubes. It felt like we were trying to hack the system.
To feed my baby, my husband hand expressed from one breast and I worked on the other while my son wailed. It was degrading and uncomfortable, but I was laser focused on giving my son the milk that I had been taught was “liquid gold.”
We celebrated over every precious drop of colostrum collected. We cried over every spoonful spilled and spit up that followed. It was tedious, exhausting, and seemed to be only a pittance of what he needed and wanted. He was constantly crying or, worse, weak and tired.
We hired three different lactation consultants to try to help, but nothing seemed to get us to a point where I could tell my son was fully satisfied.
I was a wreck, consumed by feelings of anxiety, frustration, guilt and terror. I spent most of my days on the couch, rotating between breastfeeding, pumping, icing my bleeding nipples, and then starting all over again. I kept wondering, when, when would it start to work?
A Breastfeeding Culture Working Against Me
Everything I had been taught about breastfeeding focused on how crucial it is for a child’s development and for them to thrive.
The literature I read explained that breastmilk is superior to formula, breastmilk fights infections, and breastfeeding reduces your risk of ovarian and breast cancer.
If you want to give your child “every opportunity” and you want to ensure he has the “best start” while enjoying a “unique and special bonding period together,” then you breastfeed.
I wanted all those things!
To me, the research was clear — I couldn’t give up. I had to try harder.
Recognizing the Problem
It was four o’clock in the morning and I hadn’t slept yet. I was sitting on the couch trying to breastfeed an unsettled, unhappy baby. We lived on the ninth floor and I was weeping as I stared out at a city that seemed so peaceful compared to the tumult and desperation and hopelessness I felt.
I realized what was wrong: Me.
I was the one preventing my baby from being healthy and happy. This poor boy had been cursed with an inadequate mother. It was my failing, and the only way I could make this better was to remove myself from the equation.
I believed it would be better if I jumped off the balcony.
I know how this sounds now, but at the time it seemed perfectly logical. Even reasonable.
Thankfully, I woke my husband instead. Alarmed, he sprang into action. I will be always be grateful for his response in that moment: there was no judgement, no condemnation, no snarky remarks like, “Are you crazy?” He asked how he could help.
In the morning, I called a local breastfeeding support group. With tears and a running nose, I explained my situation in detail.
The woman on the line seemed sympathetic. “Just hang in there,” she said. Another gathering would be taking place in two days and I was welcome to join.
Two days? I didn’t feel I would make it two days. I was falling apart, now.
And then I heard a voice in my head.
Barb, what are you doing?
Self-Talk to the Rescue
In his book Chatter: The Voice in Our Head, Why It Matters, and How to Harness It, Ethan Kross, PhD, a researcher and leading expert on controlling the conscious mind, describes a helpful tool of creating emotional distance between stressful situations in order to gain perspective and wisdom: distanced self-talk.
“As our experiments and others later demonstrated, shifting from the first-person ‘I’ to the second-person ‘you’ or third-person ‘he’ or ‘she’ provides a mechanism for gaining emotional distance.”
He suggests that talking to yourself as you would to a cherished friend can provide a crucial bit of perspective, allowing you to make better decisions, find solutions to difficult situations, and facilitate wise reasoning.
Without realizing what I was doing, by talking to myself, I was able to step back from the immediate fears and see things differently.
I opened a bottle of formula. I continued pumping daily while supplementing my breastmilk with formula, and things began to get better. My son’s weight improved so I was able to take a breath and let the panic subside.
Options Are Available
I believe that breastfeeding is ideal for babies, but sometimes mothers need a reminder that it’s not the only option out there.
Breast is best. Except when it’s dangerous. And when it is, a woman should feel supported and encouraged to do what’s right for herself and her family.
If you’re struggling with breastfeeding, please consider supplementing with formula, pumping, or a combination of the two. Your child’s development will be far more impacted by the decline in your mental, emotional and physical health than any difference between breastmilk and formula.
