How Cognitive Reframing Helps Parents
How reframing your child’s behavior can make you a happier parent.
Cognitive Reframing is the act of identifying situations, experiences, ideas or emotions and subsequently changing how they are viewed. Using this tool in your parenting can make you a happier parent, improve your relationship with your child and increase your child's self esteem.
Cognitive reframing is traditionally used by therapists to help someone to properly deal with situations and thought patterns that would otherwise lead to poor mental health. When used this way it is referred to as cognitive restructuring. Thought patterns that are overly negative and unrealistic are identified as cognitive distortion. An example of cognitive distortion that an adult might experience is by making a big deal out of something that isn't really such a big deal. For example, your husband forgot the serving spoon for the dish you brought to the potluck. If you cognitively distort the situation, you might get upset and yell at your husband, believing that he can’t be trusted. You spend the day worried and upset. With cognitive reframing, you would tell yourself it was a mistake and not a conspiracy against your grandma’s casserole recipe. You then can enjoy the rest of your day!
Have you ever been in a situation with a child and felt like they will never learn? Maybe you are thinking they are always naughty, always annoying, always bad. These thoughts give you a negative view of your child and add stress to your life. While having negative thoughts about your child is completely normal, it doesn’t have to distort how you view your child or how you feel. Ultimately, what you say about your child matters; it shapes your view of your child. So, you need to start first by changing the verbiage you use.
Let’s look at how this can be applied. Suppose your child has a habit of waiting until the last minute before leaving the house to use the restroom. You are running late to an appointment and as you are walking out the door, your child turns around and runs to the bathroom. You may feel stress at this moment and yell at your child. Worried that you are going to be late for your appointment you say that it’s all their fault that they can never be ready on time. With cognitive reframing, this situation could look different. While you wait for your child you think, why does my child do this so consistently? Maybe they’ve had an accident in the car before and felt super embarrassed so now they are trying to avoid that situation. Maybe they’re trying their best to be responsible, just like you have taught them, but don’t have the ability to assess your schedule just yet.
If you want to employ cognitive reframing into your parenting, your ultimate goal should be to find the good in your child’s behavior. You must first consider what is age appropriate. Then, ask yourself what does that child need? Think of as many possible reasons for the situation. Use as much detail as you can muster in order to describe what’s happening. Once you have assessed the situation, you must then attach something positive to it. Using the example above, the bathroom kid is monitoring their self the best that they can! Self-regulation is a skill that will improve with time and come in very handy when they are older. Just think, you won’t have to tell your teenager to go to the bathroom. Practicing cognitive reframing will become easier and you’ll be able to use positive language to describe your child without much effort.
Now lets look at a situation we are all used to. Someone’s kid is loudly crying in a store. For a lot of people, the knee jerk reaction would be to think the child isn’t disciplined enough, or maybe they’re a brat. But if we employ the first cognitive reframing technique, considering what is age appropriate, then we realize the child is only about three. At three years old, this child doesn’t have emotional control developed. Then we think of all the possible situations that could have lead to this melt down. Perhaps they are tired? Could they really want something and simply don’t have the ability to understand why they can’t have it? Maybe the child is hungry… When we change how we view the situation, we can now have compassion for the child and also their parent (and that parent might just be us).
With consistent practice of cognitive reframing you will become a happier, more effective parent. Your thoughts will become positive. You will foster a stronger connection with your child because they will feel more understood. In turn, your child will feel more self assured because you’re taking the time to understand them.
For a final example I would like to use one from my parenting experience. Lately one of my kids has habitually been asking why they do things. As in, “why did I grab this book instead of that book?” At first it wasn’t a big deal but after a while I noticed myself and my husband getting annoyed. So, I decided to reframe. She is eight years old, it is normal for an eight year old to start self-reflecting. Then, I tried to figure out why she was asking these questions out loud all the time. She could want attention. Perhaps self analyzing is hard for her and she is trying to have someone model or help her figure out how to use this skill. Maybe she just likes talking, honestly. I decided instead of getting mad or annoyed, I would ask what she thinks and talk with her about it. Using cognitive reframing I was able to take an annoyance and create a moment with my daughter. I am connecting with her and she is feeling heard.
Like any parenting tool, cognitive reframing will take practice. It’s best to do during times of relative peace and not in the moment. You will mess up, and that’s okay. Keep trying, and your parenting life will improve.
