Compare your kid to the average, not the individual
Comparing your kid to other kids can be helpful or hurtful
I have always been a big advocate of not comparing my kids to other kids. This is particularly true in the case of my oldest, Kaeden. He was born a month early and has had various developmental issues over these first two years of his life.
Kaeden and two of his male cousins were all born within a few months of each other — we call them the triplets. One cousin was born two months early, Kaeden was born one month early, and the other cousin was born right on time.
It is natural to compare the triplets to each other — how much they weigh, when they started walking, do they eat well, how tall are they, do they talk — the list could go on and on. The truth is that each of these little boys has different areas in which they excel and are ahead of the curve and other areas that they are not ahead of the curve (and in Kaeden’s case, very behind the curve).
Having just turned two, Kaeden has an extensive vocabulary. He can identify every letter in the alphabet and numbers too. In contrast, he didn’t start walking until he was 20 months old.
If I compare Kaeden to the individual and ignore the areas in which he is thriving, I start down a road of disappointment and unmet expectations. I end up feeling like I failed him as a parent.
The disappointment of feeling like I failed as a parent is unhealthy for me, and for Kaeden. If I focus on the negative areas of comparison, it seems likely that I will communicate my feelings of disappointment to my son as failures. This would harm his self-image as he continues developing, something I would never consciously choose for Kaeden. I want him to know that he is not a disappointment to me.
As parents, when we find ourselves comparing our kid to another individual kid, we should take a minute to remind ourselves that that kid might be ahead or even behind for their age. It’s unrealistic to wish for — or expect — our kid’s developmental progress to be identical to another kid in their best area.
On the flip side, if I didn’t compare Kaeden to the average, I wouldn’t know the ways in which he is behind and could use more support. Kaeden started physical therapy when he was six months old, and it was (and still is) one of the best things he can do to continue to get caught up to other kids his age.
It is helpful to know what average is so that you can be aware of how your kid is doing in terms of developmental milestones. So do the research. Know what milestones they’re supposed to be hitting, but don’t obsess over it.
There is a fine line between comparing your kid to other kids for the purpose of knowing if your kid is behind and working to get them caught up and comparing them to other kids and feeling like you’re a failure as a parent or feel disappointed in your kid.
So don’t compare your kid to the individual— compare them to the average. Encourage them in all areas — the areas in which they are thriving and the areas in which they could improve. Challenge them in all areas, but also recognize that each kid moves at a different speed. And if you think your kid could use some extra support, help them get it. You won’t regret it.
