Family Is What You Make It
Creating a family is a journey filled with bits and pieces of lives strewn together, but with purpose.
My husband (then boyfriend) and I’s first real adult conversation was an “everything on the table” talk. We spoke about our histories, our families, and our visions for our future. We entered our relationship knowing we were creating our partnership from scratch.
Over the years we have made mistakes. We’ve had to re-work the pieces of what it means to build our relationship, our partnership, and now, our family.
The journey of turning our family of two into three was a bumpy ride full of wrong turns and reverse directions. Working together to understand what we needed, while focusing on what our newborn needed too, was a triumphant undertaking.
We keep our eyes on each other, understanding that we couldn’t be a family if we didn’t have one another.
Family is knowing that you are part of a team.
Our family transformed from the constant give and take between each other. Sneaking in us-time, my husband tending to my instinctive need to be near my baby at all times, me acknowledging my husband’s need for sleep. These are all critical elements to forming our new family unit while keeping our sanity intact.
We keep communication constant. Whether it is a quick kiss goodbye, a check-in, or a conversation about the latest global uncertainty.
Family is knowing that you are heard.
We don’t just talk though. We make time to have structured dialogues centered on making sure we are meeting our needs. Sometimes through tears and frustration, we listen. Then, we give space and listen again to make sure we understand. We read endless articles on how to have an effective dialogue. We’ve read the book on understanding love languages. And, we do the hard work of acknowledging how past family traumas impact our behavior.
We keep vulnerability at the forefront. My husband credits his ability to be open and honest about his emotions to me. I am one of the least vulnerable people I know. I fear it.
Family is knowing that you are safe.
Regardless of my struggle with vulnerability, my husband makes space for me. With endless patience, he waits for me to say what I need to say, even if I take two days to write it down. My husband provides a safety bubble for me to work through the challenge of opening up. Don’t get me wrong, he’ll push me when he needs to, but I know that he roots for me to unearth whatever lurks below.
We keep dreaming of our future. With the addition of our daughter, we contemplate the different life paths we can take.
Family is knowing you are part of something bigger.
When we talk about our future, our imaginations run wild with endless possibilities. Where we can go? What we can do? What experiences we can have as a family? These dreams keep us striving for the next big thing, the next big leap into the unknown. I credit our endless sense of wonder and love for evolution to this daydreaming out loud.
We keep growing as individuals. Now that we support the life of another human, we know we have to support our lives too. Not only the life we’ve created together, but the lives we were each meant to lead as individual people.
Family is knowing you are a supported individual.
My husband and I make sure that with the little time we have in a 24-hour cycle, we are getting time to nourish the parts of ourselves that are unique to us. I encourage my husband to spend time outdoors. He urges me to spend time alone and pursue my passions. He is my biggest advocate as I embark on this whole writing journey.
We keep love alive. In every aspect of our family, we make sure that love is seen, heard, and felt through our actions, words, and choices.
Family is knowing that you are loved, respected, and cared for.
Our favorite part of the day is when we give each other a quick kiss and our daughter laughs in return. She is witnessing a physical symbol of what love is. When we speak, we make sure we are modeling respect. We listen through a lens of curiosity, rather than defensiveness. We strive to have moments each day focused on quality, undistracted time with the three of us.
We keep forgiving. Through six (technically seven) years of our relationship, three years of marriage, and nearly one year with a child, forgiveness keeps us strong.
Family is knowing you will make mistakes and be forgiven.
We make mistakes every day, and every day we practice forgiveness. Sometimes it may take a few hours, or a day, to forgive, let go, and move on, but it happens. As we continue to create the partnership and family we long for, forgiveness is the glue that holds us together. We know that mistakes provide an opportunity to learn. We hold each other accountable for not making the same mistake more than once, and we strive to do better, be better. Not only for us but our daughter too.
The family we’ve created is the family we envision. Our family structure is created out of our desire to provide our daughter and ourselves with a space to be honest, unapologetically ourselves, and loved because of our imperfections. We strive to continuously make and re-make our definition of family. Our family is what we’ve made it.
