Finding Peace in Our Parenting Choices
Cutting out comparison in the first year of motherhood
As I blundered my way through motherhood, I discovered that there was nothing as life-giving as community. The more I spent time chatting with other expat moms in Switzerland and beyond, the more I saw how different we all were. And it struck me that that was all right. Most of the moms I met did not bat an eyelash at my own child-rearing choices. They seemed aware that every mama was doing her best, no matter that some of our parenting styles were worlds apart from each other.
From breastfeeding to sleep, a gazillion subjects can divide or unite parents.
Beginning motherhood had me contemplating how comparison could be the thief of joy and parental peace, and how we needed to cut this habit as a daily practice for mothers. Below are a few hot topics in the realm of mama choices.
Birth.
As I collected birth stories during my second trimester, I discovered that many women wished for as natural a delivery as possible. Some opted to go without — or use milder — painkillers, while others went to a birthing home instead of a hospital.
Some women who I spoke with ended up getting induced or needing an emergency C-section, despite their desires for a natural birth. The best stories I heard involved moms able to embrace that life had other plans for them. A couple of women who had to undergo emergency C-section spoke highly of hospital staff who aided them through delivery.
On the other hand, several expecting women thought epidurals were the norm and, not wanting to feel a thing, elected to have one. Their labor tended to stretch on, reaching up to twenty to thirty hours. Other women about to have baby number three chose candles and a birthing pool instead of medical intervention.
Yet others had a planned Caesarean section, going under the knife on a set date. One told me that as her baby came out, she smelled butter, and that her little one quieted as she landed on her breast, brought to her by the doctors caring for them.
One mother of two cautioned me that I ought not obsess about the delivery alone, but instead, prepare myself for the challenges that came with breastfeeding. Case in point below.
Breastfeeding.
I love that I get to breastfeed my baby everyday. I find it to be a precious gift, this special bond between baby and me. I had initially heard that breastfeeding would cut costs, but did find that the need for special vitamins and the use of added tools like breast pumps, breast milk storage bags, and nursing pads added up. Learning to nurse baby in public was a skill to grow into and an initial bout with broken skin was a challenge during my early days breastfeeding baby. But by and large, I was amazed that I could soothe baby and boost his immunity by giving him the breast.
Some moms work and have to pump their breast milk and hand that to their baby’s daycare center a few months after birth. Some feed their baby formula or do a combination of both.
These were such varied approaches, and I was pleased to encounter acceptance for my choices, even when spending time with moms choosing otherwise. The more I spent time with other mamas, the more I saw this unspoken agreement between us to extend respect to one another.
Introducing solids.
As my baby neared six months, he and I entered this exciting new world of first foods. I discovered that varying cultures approach the introduction of water and early solids in a myriad ways. Not only that, but as a new parent, I didn’t know much about this new idea called baby-led weaning. Deciding to listen to my own mom, I tried the conservative route and started with the fluid from rice porridge, then pureed carrot, followed by potato, sweet potato, and broccoli. All went swimmingly those first days. But as my circle of mama friends grew, I met moms of slightly older babies who were doing fantastic things such as a full baby led-weaning program prepared from scratch.
One mom I met would grind oatmeal into a fine powder, creating concoctions like homemade strawberry and banana cookies or chicken and bell pepper patties with it. An earlier version of me might have felt inadequate in the face of that, but my new self said, to each her own.
I enjoyed preparing homemade purees for baby in the early days, while my husband had a preference for store-bought baby purees. I loved one mom who taught me the time-saving trick of creating a large batch of my homemade purees and stashing them safely in the freezer in neat, baby-ready portions.
Once in a while, we would hit a road bump when baby would reject his solids. And when baby started sprouting more teeth and developing his pincer grasp, my husband began to feel comfortable with the notion of baby-led weaning. Indeed, the baby led us, letting us know when he refused to be spoon-fed, willing only to grasp his food on his own.
Whatever choice you make when it comes to solids, you’re entitled to what fits you and your baby best.
Childcare.
Working moms will return to the office several months after baby is born. Some might go back to university for higher studies. Many will leave their baby in full-time daycare or some permutation like it. As an expat living in Switzerland, I see women enjoying the opportunity to live the best of both worlds, such as reducing what was once a 100% role at work to 60%, and caring for baby two days out of the work-week.
About two out of ten moms I have met are full-time mothers, at times with two to three kids. They have the freedom and luxury to choose to be the primary caregiver for their little ones until they reach school age (that’s four years old in Switzerland).
I have become a full-time mom myself, writing only in the pockets of time given me when baby sleeps, or the rare times he’s at play group for a few hours a week. I fight with my own judgements of myself, at times thinking I’m not as successful as the career women pursuing doctorates or high-flying careers in the corporate world. But I remind myself that every woman is different, shaped by a unique set of experiences and desires. I can pursue my career or a doctorate if I wished.
How fortunate that almost every woman I meet today is free to choose according to what her gut tells her. My eight-year wait for our little one had allowed me years of traveling and career-pursuing. Baby’s tears during his adjustment period at his drop-off playgroup were enough for me to lean toward caring for baby full-time for his first two years. To borrow a thought from Philippa Perry, dreams of advancing my writing career will wait for a time when this small human being no longer needs me as much. I trust that everything else I want to do will follow at the right season.
So whether your a full-time mom, a working mom, or a university mom, just do your best and avoid comparing yourself to the next wonderful woman next to you. You are just as a marvel as she in your own unique way.
Sleep.
I enjoyed reading John Medina’s Brain Rules for Baby as my hubby and I embarked on this challenge- but reward-filled thing called parenthood. His chapter on sleep introduces two schools of thought — CIO — the Cry It Out or sleep training method and NAP — Nighttime Attachment Parenting.
I’ve met several mothers who were able to go through sleep training successfully, believing that sleep is a gift they give their babies and themselves. They rough it out for a couple of weeks and must leave baby to cry until, one day, the young ones fall asleep by themselves.
Other parents search for a no-tears approach, devoting time to breastfeeding baby or soothing them to slumber.
The subject of sleep can be a heated and controversial one.
I admit that I favor one school of thought over the others in almost every subject I’ve listed above. My partner and I have found what works best for us and baby.
Finding peace in our parenting choices is key.
I have had several great conversations and playdates with parents who do things differently and yet I find acceptance and understanding emerge between us. Every mama is doing her best to listen to her heart, while making sure her own cup of womanly needs are filled. She wants to be in a mental and emotional space where she has more to give to her little one. Here’s to you, mama, this Women’s Month!
