Is It Ever Ok to Hit Your Child?
When your little angel, turns into a little monster, what do you do?
Tuesday afternoon. It’s a bright day, the sun is out and the birds are singing. I’m in high spirits as I start the walk to pick up my children from their nursery. I take a right turn down the wooded lane on the approach to the nursery and I meet another parent. We exchange chit-chat as we meander along the lane to pick up our children. In typical British style, we discuss the weather. Everyone seems to be in a better mood when the sun is out.
When we arrive at the nursery, the mood changes. There’s an atmosphere that doesn’t seem quite right, there seems to be a commotion of sorts. The garden gate that is usually open is now locked and we can’t hear the sound of children playing. We knock on the main door and wait for someone to answer. We’re greeted by the nursery manager who has a stern look on her face. It’s a marked difference from the usual happy-go-lucky demeanor she carries with her.
“There’s been an incident,” she says.
Immediately we grow concerned. What incident? Are my children ok? What has happened? It’s all very secretive. She assures me my girls are fine and she goes to collect them. When my children come to the door they seem fine, if not a little subdued. I ask the manager what happened and she says she can’t say but there’ll be communication going out later. Confused and curious I pick up the girls’ bags and we walk home together.
As we start our walk home, I ask my girls what happened. “A boy ran off,” they say. “Yeah it was really bad, a boy ran off to the recycling center and got in the recycling bin”, my eldest daughter says. Really? I think to myself. My kids are 3 and 4 years old, I’m not sure if I can believe what they’re saying. The recycling center is about a mile away from the nursery, it seems a little implausible. Besides, how would they even know what happened? I remain skeptical and wait to hear from the nursery regarding the official communication.
Later that night an email comes in. As my girls had said, a boy had indeed run away. The detail in the email is a little sketchy, but from what I can gather, the boy had run away from the nursery garden during lunchtime. The parents were called and a search of the local area was conducted to find him. Luckily the boy was found unharmed. There are busy roads and a train line just outside the nursery though, so it was a serious incident. He could have easily come to serious harm.
Who’s Responsible?
This situation made me think about the topic of responsibility, punishment, and discipline. Who was at fault here? The nursery? The child? Both? The nursery’s policies and safety procedures during pickup time should prevent this sort of thing from being able to happen. But no policy is airtight. How should the child be taught that their actions are dangerous to their own life? How can a 3-year-old understand the responsibility they share in this instance? What about the parents, do they share responsibility in that it’s their job to teach their child not to run away?
If you were the parent in this situation, what would you do?
What would I do if it were my children? I’d be angry at the nursery sure, but I’d also be angry with my child and with myself. As a parent, I should teach my child that this kind of thing is unacceptable. How could I convey the gravity of the situation to my child so they don’t do something similar? I’m not sure a quiet word over dinner telling them not to do it again would cut it.
Is there a place for physical discipline?
Smacking, or any kind of physical punishment in Scotland (where I live) is illegal. But philosophically, is there an act that a child can perform that warrants physical discipline? Idealistic parents will have us believe the answer is a categorical no. But what about these rare, extreme events that can occur. The kind of event that, if left undealt with, could result in serious harm coming to themselves or another person? If not physical discipline, what is appropriate? Consider the following examples…
Running out into the road
Stabbing a sibling with a knife
Pushing another kid into a lake
Start a fire in their bedroom
Call me a monster, but I don’t believe a timeout is an appropriate and proportional act of discipline for going into the cutlery drawer, taking out a knife, and stabbing your sister with it. Would taking away their favourite toy, or reducing their TV time teach them that starting a fire in the house is not appropriate? In the adult world, performing similar acts would end you up in prison. The question remains, for really bad behaviour, how can you instill a feeling that certain things are completely unacceptable? How can you teach your child responsibility?
It’s clear to me that, these instances are rare. It’s not justifiable to administer physical punishment in almost all cases. Dropping their dinner on the floor, drawing on the walls with a crayon, spilling paint on the carpet. These are acts caused by inquisitive minds exploring the world. It’s not fair or appropriate to physically discipline children for these things.
But sometimes, our little angels are little brats. Sometimes they are malicious, conniving, and deceptive. Sometimes they need discipline, to teach them that in the society we live in, certain things are not tolerated. How can we do this effectively? Time-outs, the naughty step, taking away toys. Are these the only toolkits in our armory? My two girls get time-outs for bad behaviour, for example, if one of them hits the other. But, it’s not very effective. In fact, it’s fairly common that they say sorry to each other, then go back to fighting within a few minutes. I don’t know what effective discipline looks like for a truly grievous act.
In Closing
As parents, our job is to teach our children the ways of the world. We teach them, reading, writing, and numeracy. But we also teach them higher-level concepts such as morality, responsibility, ethics. It’s our duty to teach them that their actions have consequences that are proportionate to the act performed.
I don’t hit my children. But I do believe there are acts they could perform that warrant a severe repercussion. I’m not naive enough to think that they will be perfectly well-behaved for the rest of their lives.
I accept the argument that hitting children teaches children to hit. That physical violence only shows them that physical violence is acceptable in the world. I accept this is not a good message to send. But equally, how can you teach your children that atrocious acts have atrocious consequences?
We all want to do the best for our children that we can do. To teach them right from wrong, to teach them forgiveness, respect, love. But also to teach them that in the world, there are consequences to your actions.
How can we do this most effectively? I’m still searching for the answers.
