It’s Silly to Keep Praising Children All the Time.
Swap them with open-ended questions instead.
Here is a typical scenario.
Your child came home with their school assignment and scored an ‘A.’
How do you usually respond?
Response no 1: Well done! That is an excellent job.
Response no 2: I saw you setting time aside to practice every day. This must-have paid off. Tell me more about how you felt. What did you enjoy about the assignment?
Which response did you pick?
There are differences between the two responses.
The most obvious one you might notice, is how your mind/brain stops thinking further with ‘Response no 1’.
When the brain sees a noun/adjective, it processes the visual and provide a single answer. It identifies the object. And that’s it. (unless there are further instructions to move on). It has done its job, and no further processing is required.
With response no 2, your mind feels more exploratory and open. It becomes curious and, most often, honest in seeking for answers.
Now, think about how your child will interpret both responses.
“Well Done and Good Job” type of praises are probably going to kill your children’s curiosity to learn or grow.
Yes, we do it because we don’t want to blow their self-esteem. We have been bombarded with researches and articles about how detrimental it is to trample on our children’s confidence.
If we keep praising our children, they will be keep getting the good grades we want, they will behave, and they will be happy, confident children. And it is a good habit, as some researchers say.
But we end up focusing only on the end results. We focus on what is good or bad. Right or wrong.
As adults, we know that life is seldom black and white. If anything else, it is a journey of discovery.
Imagine what happens one day when your child comes home with an ‘F’ for their assignment. What would you say then?
Praising can be limiting and, if used too often, can seem judgmental or, worst, FAKE!
It limits conversations and may even demotivate children. Like how your mind stops thinking after it hears an adjective.
Praises are finite, but our children’s potential is limitless.
Children are smarter than we think, and they know if we are interested in their story or not.
In worst cases, children may even feel lower in their self-esteem as they don’t want to pick up new challenges for fear of failure or may choose to avoid difficult tasks.
If we want our children to be life long learners, we need to stop lavishing praises.
Psychologist Carol Dweck and her team at Columbia University confirm their research with a dozen schools that praising could negatively impact children.
They have discovered that when children hear the recognition that they are smart, it could translate to “I am smart, I do not need to put out the effort.”
She added, “Contrary to popular belief, praising children’s intelligence did not give them confidence and did not make them learn better.”
When we ignore the effort taken to solving problems, we are shortchanging our children.
Asking your child and acknowledging their effort feels a lot more genuine. It enables your child to reflect on their process, attitude, behavior.
It helps to reaffirm their learning process, especially when they are trying something new.
By inquiring about their thought process, we help them be lifelong learners, be better decision-makers, or be resilient in solving day-to-day problems independently. It is about developing what some experts call the ‘Growth Mindset.’
What Can You Do Instead of Praise?
1. Allocate time for reflection.
Reflection is critical when children are trying out something new. We want to help them build connections.
As the famous Steve Jobs says, ‘connect the dots.’
We want to help our children make sense of the world in their way. We help them see how their idea fits into a bigger picture.
Reflection is the one moment where you can build this connection.
As in Kolb’s theory of experiential learning, reflection should follow an active experiment. It allows one to make connections and step back to digest new information.
It will enable children to identify their feelings about the task, make sense of the experiment, or solidify what they have gone through.
Reflections help to capture learnings, and it is an essential part of growing.
2. Limit meaningless ‘adjectives’ when conversing with your child.
“Great Job, Well Done. You are fantastic. You are smart. You are pretty, etc.”
In summary, drop words that end in silly ‘adjectives.’
Refrain from using them if possible. Swap these thoughts with open-ended questions. Have a conversations.
3. Use more open-ended questions.
Open-ended questions can be powerful. They foster a journey of discovery with your child. Don’t be afraid if you do not have answers to all the questions. Children are curious enough to find their way around problems. When possible, try to use bits of elements from their work/effort with your questions.
Here are some examples you could attempt:
Instead of a “Good Job” → “Tell me how you solve the problem?” “Tell me more, how did you go about finding …”
OR
Instead of “Well Done” → “How did you manage to get …”
OR
Instead of “You are smart” → “What did you find most difficult…? What did you like most about…? What was your favorite part …?”
OR
Instead of “You are pretty” → “I like how you mix and match your clothing. How did you decide the colors….?”
Open-ended questions open up possibilities for discussion and focus more on the process than arriving at a ‘correct’ answer.
Let these questions show sincerity in your desire to learn together with them. It may lead to a more meaningful relationship between parent and child.
As Socrates quotes — “I cannot teach anybody anything. I can only make them think.”
