Lessons I Learned from Motherhood — Before my babies are even born
I am 34 weeks pregnant with twins, and I already feel that my babies have taught me a whole lot. One of the many reasons I decided to try for a baby is because I didn’t want to miss out on an experience that has so much growth involved.
As an ENFP on the Myers Briggs test, learning is a big driver in my personality. I felt that if I didn’t become a mother, I would miss a life experience that had immense learning, and I wanted to know what I was capable of, outside of my comfort zone.
But I didn’t expect my learning to start from day one of being pregnant. Here’s what I have learned so far.
Twins have put everything else into perspective.
From the beginning, this pregnancy has been full of unexpected twists and turns. I found out I was pregnant on December 30th, 2020, which was a great way to celebrate the end of 2020, and starting 2021 with new energy.
Except for the fact that I had started a new job on December 28th, a job that I was very excited about, and saw myself working in for years to come. A few weeks into my pregnancy, we found out I’m pregnant with twins, which immediately shifted my career and life priorities, even though it took me months to realize and accept that.
I was in denial that having twins will impact my career, until I started drafting my maternity leave plan, and read that some countries give up to 1.5 years of leave for the delivery of twins. That’s when I started realizing how big of a life change this will be for us.
It still took me two more months to accept what it meant to my career. After plenty of conversation, hesitation, and questioning before I decided that what’s best for me and my babies would be to leave this job, and go back to part-time freelance work before delivery and the foreseeable future after delivery.
I still don’t know what my new reality will look like after delivery, which I think it’s true for every mother, but especially for mothers-to-be of twins.
It also has triggered deep conversations lately between my husband and me about our future. Building up our savings, buying property, even which country we want to live in long term. Twins have given us an urgency for long-term planning that we simply didn’t feel beforehand.
To let go of what I do not control.
For someone with anxiety, becoming pregnant and pregnancy can be a very anxious experience. From wanting to control when they’re conceived so we can have a June baby (yes, I tried to time it, and clearly, that didn’t work), to not knowing how the delivery will eventually go down, every step has been a lesson for me to let go of what I cannot control.
Around the four to six month mark, I started feeling that I’m facing this black hole of the unknown. This feeling was so overwhelming at times, I would cry for hours nonstop, even though logically I knew my response was exaggerated because of my hormones.
I think the most helpful tool for me to let go of my anxiety and move past the fear of this big unknown is to accept that things are out of my control. For example, I was very stressed about the delivery; will I be able to have a natural birth, or will I have to have a C-section. I still don’t have an answer to that question, although it’s looking likely that I will be able to deliver them naturally.
My anxiety led me down a rabbit hole of watching and reading all sorts of delivery stories for twins. But instead of making me feel better, it increased my anxiety tenfold. Starting week 28, I tried to do everything I can to get my babies to drop and go head down, to increase the chances of natural birth.
The consequence of that was in week 29 I spent two nights in the hospital to avoid preterm labor. I started having contractions out of the blue, and it turned into an expensive hospital stay because I tried to control something that was out of my control.
Reflecting on how close I came to spiraling, and the consequences of my anxiety have taught me a lesson in acceptance and letting go, and I’ve found my anxiety to be more manageable since then.
Learning more about myself
I’ve already written about this, but my journey to becoming a mother has already involved a lot of soul searching and growth. I didn’t want to just get pregnant and end up resenting the situation, or blaming it on my husband or the babies. I wanted to start this journey with as much understanding as possible.
Understanding about myself, and why I’ve always resisted motherhood. Why would it trigger such a strong emotional response in me when my husband and I would talk about it, or when a stranger would ask me why we don’t have kids yet.
I’m still learning and working towards more understanding, but I am grateful for the learning I’ve had so far. This learning includes where my resistance comes from, and how it’s tied to my mother and my maternal lineage.
I reached the understanding I have today with some therapy and healing sessions, and a lot of journaling. Giving myself the chance to reflect and dig deep into my own psyche helped me let go of so much that I wasn’t even aware I was carrying.
Learning how to ask for help
I’ve always struggled to ask for help, and it seems I’m not the only one. I would rather spend hours trying to figure something out on my own, rather than ask my husband who would probably figure it out in 10 minutes.
I’m learning that the reasons for this come from a few different places. I like being independent, and figuring things out on my own, but I also feel like I might be a burden on him when he already has so much on his plate.
Other times, depending on the person I’m asking, I would get an attitude back, or feel that they’re hesitant to help, so I’d much rather struggle than deal with that energy.
Of course, being heavily pregnant right now means I need help. I need help to pick something off the floor, or to carry something up the stairs. I need help getting out of bed most mornings, or a back rub to help soothe the aches and pains.
I’m still learning and struggling with this, but I know that after the delivery I won’t be able to do everything myself for two babies either. So I will get more practice to get better at asking for help.
Taking it day by day
The first 6 to 8 weeks after you find out you’re pregnant are miserable. Ask any person who has been pregnant before, and they will share varying degrees of horror stories. Even though I had it relatively easier than most, the very first weeks were rough.
Waking up day after day, feeling drained before I got out of bed, wanting nothing more than to sleep, and not being able to eat anything because of strong heartburn was hard to go through.
Every time I would think of how many more days or weeks I had ahead of me before I felt better, or before the babies were here, I would break down crying.
The only thing that helped me cope with my overwhelming exhaustion and stop the crying was taking it day by day. Just moving my mind from all the days and weeks to come, and focusing on getting through today. Focusing on what I need to do to get through this day, and not all 280 days of pregnancy.
Similarly, now at week 34, I am constantly uncomfortable. I’m carrying about 10 kgs (~22 lbs) in my belly alone. I struggle to breathe and have back pain most days. Again, I am feeling struggling every day, and the only thing that is helping me get through this is the reminder to take it one day at a time. I’m counting down to 36 weeks when hopefully the babies will be born naturally, but I know that this journey is almost done, and all I need is some patience to get me through these couple of weeks.
Already feeling like a mother.
This is perhaps the most surprising lesson or feeling rather.
I already feel attached to them. I worry about them and what the world holds in store for them. I want to prepare and give them the best possible life we can, and I want to spare them the insecurities and fears that I carry.
I know to an extent that’s simply not possible. I can’t protect them from heartache or from difficult feelings. But I hope they have a life full of love, kindness, adventure, and time in nature.
I’m curious to experience the day-to-day of motherhood, which isn’t too far off. The magnitude of this life event and how it has already changed me and my life to come isn’t lost on me. In fact, every day I have a moment where I’m stunned that it’s happening.
