Learning to Understand My Autistic Mother
Who would you be if you weren’t able to communicate with your mother?
I wasn’t able to communicate with my mother for twenty-five years. Although linguistically, we speak the same language, we were unable to effectively communicate. My mother has autism, and I didn’t know how to talk to her until I was in my mid-twenties.
If you don’t know, communication with someone with ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) can be challenging. To add to the complexity of it all, it was my mother who I was unable to communicate with. How was I supposed to raise myself? Why was my mother different? Who am I supposed to talk to?
These were all questions I battled with my entire life. We fought almost every single day. As soon as I got my driver’s license I was ready to run away. I used to have a fight and take the keys and drive away. I was a young rebellious teenager trying to get away from the stimulus that was causing me the most grief. I know almost everyone fights with their parents at one point or another, and some may even let go of that relationship deeming it toxic.
My problem was that I wasn’t able to accept my mother and talk to her. I wasn’t able to teach her what I needed and wanted from her. Love was never something that was expressed or shown. She tried, I know she tried. Looking back, her cooking, staying up late, worrying and asking for help was all love. But that’s not what I wanted from my relationship with her at the time. I was a teenager, I wanted that sweet little mother/daughter relationship from the movies.
I fantasized about having a mom I can talk to about boys, and friends. I fantasized about having friends over. I never had friends over, because I knew my mom was different and I was embarrassed. As hard as that is to admit that, I was embarrassed. None of my experiences were like the movies. I had to learn to love her. I had to learn what that love was first. What does love mean to her? What is her language?
My mom had a difficult childhood from her perspective. Although she has ASD, she was very perceptive about emotions. She often felt ridiculed and left out when she was young. She loved her mother because her mother gave her something no one else could, purpose. Her mother taught her every skill she has, from cooking, cleaning, singing, and her love for her religion. She had deep purpose when she was with her mom.
I only realized this when I visited my grandmother in 2018. I cried. I cried for hours to my grandmother, as she just held me and comforted me. When I was with my grandma, I felt love. That love that I was looking for in my mother the entire time. When I talked to my grandmother, it clicked, everything made sense. Her language was purpose. I had to give my mom purpose. So I adopted my mom as my child.
I learned to talk to my mom. Instead of correcting my mom, I was challenging my mom. I challenged her to do the things I wanted. I would say “Let’s see how many times you can ask me and Gaurav (my brother) how our days went”. I said I needed her to go with me to places, like getting food or shopping. At the beginning of 2019, both my dad and I were out of a job. We’re the only earners in the family. I had to earn money somehow, so I started driving for Uber Eats. I challenged her to come with me every day. Every single day she’d get ready and “go to work”.
I began to speak her language of love and purpose. All my mom wanted to do was to be included and to serve. A few months later, I received a job offer for a job that paid me less than what my previous one did, but the opportunity for growth outweighed the low salary. Everyone told me to run the other way because we needed a high income. She was the only one that was by my side and stood by me while I signed that offer letter and began my new career.
Now at twenty-eight years old, I wouldn’t trade my relationship for anything in the world. We spend a lot of time together. Quarantining together was a little difficult for us in the beginning, but it’s been the blessing in disguise. Our relationship is still evolving. It’s exhausting, it’s difficult, it tests my patience every single day. But most important of all, I finally have that picturesque movie relationship with my mom, except I created the movie.
