My toddler is a thief and a scoundrel

Something’s been happening to my sweet boy the last few weeks. I can see the gears turning in his head as his cognitive awareness builds. He’s started to develop new skills — he’s thisclose to escaping the Pack ’n’ Play and can also get most of his torso out our main floor window (send help) — and new fears: our Dyson Tower Fan, which he’s convinced is plotting to murder him as he sleeps.

My son will be two after Christmas, and he’s been dipping his toe in the lake of toddlerhood for awhile now. But we seem to have entered a new phase of obstinance, one marked by wails of frustration and mini-temper tantrums, by excessive food smearing and, now — Grand Theft Grocery.

I took my tiny criminal to Target this morning to pick up a few foodstuffs and ended up wandering the store for nearly an hour (Target problems, am I right?). When he got antsy, I let him out to stretch his legs, but he instead let out a high pitched shriek of joy as he careened into the shower curtain aisle. Like many first-time moms of the pandemic (#BandNameIdeas), I have almost no skills when it comes to managing my child in public, so I panicked lightly and headed straight for the checkout. We had a short chat with the cashier as I haphazardly plopped items at onto the counter. He gave my son a sticker. All was well, and we headed for our next stop — the library.

I pulled the diaper bag out on our arrival. It was … heavier than I remembered. One peak inside told me why: there, shoved just below my sight line, was a bag of Toll…