Stop Telling Boys They Shouldn’t Cry
To raise emotionally intelligent boys, let them understand and express emotions.
How often do you come across situations where boys are told to toughen up? How often do you hear things like “Boys don’t cry” or “Stop crying like a girl!” or “Don’t be a cry baby”?
Way too often, I’ve come to realize, and it bothers me.
The Dilemma
We live in a society where boys are forced to live up to the stereotypical expectations of masculinity. They’re supposed to be tough, brave, and almost impassive, where any sign of emotional vulnerability is seen as a weakness — something that needs to be fixed.
We tell boys who are more emotionally open and expressive, particularly about sad emotions, that it’s not okay for them to be vulnerable.
Our society associates this type of emotional display as a feminine attribute and therefore forces boys to suppress their feelings. Crying is considered a big no-no for them, and is often the reason for reprimand and punishment.
Why is that?
Society and Cultural Pressures
All humans, irrespective of male or female, experience basic emotions: happiness, sadness, fear, and anger. Crying or feeling sad is a natural emotional response but somehow our society and cultural norms expect boys to repress and hide their emotions.
I’ll admit I used to have the same mindset, I believed what we’ve been hearing all our lives — that boys should be raised to be strong and they shouldn’t be too sensitive.
As parents, we’re forced to be hard on boys when they show signs of emotional vulnerability because we don’t want to raise a “mama’s boy”.
My son, almost ten years old, has always been a sensitive child and expressive about his feelings and emotions. This means that he cries easily when he’s overwhelmed with sadness, anger, or frustration.
As he’s growing older, my husband feels the need to be stern with him when he cries on what seems like the pettiest of issues to us. He feels that our son will face problems in life if he doesn’t learn to “man-up” and that he won’t be able to survive in a ruthless society.
Lately, I’ve been having doubts and mixed feelings about this approach to raising boys. I feel they should be allowed to experience emotions instead of hiding them. It feels wrong to expect them to go against nature and to appear unemotional all the time.
There’s no denying that societal and peer pressure exists and a boy who cries is judged as a “crybaby”. What is important is that boys don’t lose the ability to understand and process their feelings because of outdated stereotypes. How can we expect them to grow up into thoughtful and empathetic men, when we tell them feeling emotions and displaying them is bad?
Affect of Pressure on Boys
In her article in the Washington Post, psychotherapist and author Lena Aburdene Derhally talked about the effects men experience when they are unable to recognize and understand their emotional landscape. These include rage, anxiety, depression, relationship troubles, and unhealthy coping mechanisms.
When boys are told not to cry and to repress their emotions, it can have lasting effects on their mental health and relationships.
A 2010 study suggested that rigid adherence to gender-typed behavior in boys can have negative social and psychological consequences. This research was conducted by Professor Carlos Santos of the University of California, Los Angeles.
We should raise emotionally intelligent sons, who will grow up to become compassionate and understanding men. Men who are comfortable being emotionally vulnerable and who don’t find it threatening their masculinity.
Boys or men can be sensitive, emotional, and strong at the same time. I think it requires great courage for men to be emotional and sensitive in a society that requires them to be emotionally stoic.
As parents, we often deal differently with the emotions of our sons and daughters. While we’ll be willing to discuss things with our daughters, we aren’t that comfortable doing the same with our sons.
To avoid creating a mama’s boy, we tell them to get over something that might be trivial for us, but for them it’s important.
Communication is vital. Authors Susan Morris Shaffer and Linda Perlman Gordon, in their book Why Boys Don’t Talk — And Why It Matters, discuss why it is important to find ways to connect with our sons, and not succumb to the pressure from society to relinquish emotional connection with them for fear of their becoming soft and too dependent.
They say,
“It matters because when boys don’t talk, we assume that they don’t feel…We don’t get to fully know them; we end up validating only one part of them. It matters because when boys don’t talk, it inhibits intimacy….we shortchange their emotional growth; as a result, parts of boys remain hidden.”
Concluding Thoughts
Telling boys they shouldn’t cry can have negative effects on their emotional and mental health as they will begin to suppress, avoid, or shut down these emotions.
Instead, we should help boys understand and process their feelings, and be there for them to discuss what they’re going through, without any judgment.
Validating their feelings and helping them cope will help to develop self-awareness and self-esteem. This in turn will help them become empathetic and considerate towards others.
