When Both Parents Work: Help With the Challenges of Early Parenthood, Part 3.
When you have two parents working and multiple young kids, life is just crazy.
You’re waking up early to get ready before the kids. You’ve got diapering, dressing, bottles, sunscreen, packing the daycare bag, more diapers, lovies, blankies, lunches, snacks, more bottles, and then clothing changes for everyone after the babies spit up on your work clothes. You’re racing to daycare so you can get to work on time. Which leads us to the car seat issue.
If Daddy-o is dropping off the kids, then he either needs to remove the car seats and leave them at daycare for the pick-up person to use or he has to do the pick-up himself. If you have two young kids, then you may want to own four car seats to equip two cars. Otherwise, you could be taking two car seats in and out of the car every morning and evening. What a pain! But then there’s the cost of equipping 2 cars with car seats for multiple kids. Whoa!
In our family, my work day was unpredictable. That meant my husband was doing both drop-off and pick-up. As a result he couldn’t put in the “extra” hours at work that were expected. The conflict between family needs and work demands put enormous pressure on both of us. In many families it becomes a source of parental discord.
Once you get home from work, the mad dash continues. The kids are tired and want attention. Parents are trying to pull together dinner for toddlers and adults. (hint: the kids care more about the attention than the dinner)
You’ve got baths, diapers, PJs, story time, more diapers, songs, and bedtime routines. Then…you do dishes, laundry, try to prep for the next day, look at the crumb strewn floor, decide to ignore it and collapse. Chances are strong that your “not so good sleeper” will wake you up during the night.
When it’s a particularly bad night, a kid might wake up sick. Vomiting on the rug, running a high fever, and inconsolable by anything except a cartoon. Their sibling would, of course, be awakened and also start crying.
Meanwhile, you’re wondering, “Who’s going to miss work tomorrow? Him or me? By the time the virus goes through multiple kids there will be a week of missed work at a minimum. After which you’ll get sick too. You may also have to deal with Covid testing, quarantining, and risk assessments!
A year into this craziness, I sat down and did some calculations. My job did not offer much in sick leave or vacation time. Many women returning to work with kids, will compromise on salary and benefits in the hope of more reasonable hours. Men are rarely expected to make this sacrifice which is a problem.
When calculating the cost of working, you need to include more than just childcare hours. Add in commuting costs, the expense of an extra car, lost days of pay when staying home with sick kids, and extra costs paid for emergency nanny services. You still pay for daycare when your kids are home sick. Consider increased food costs, professional clothing or uniforms, dry cleaning, and tolls.
Once I crunched the numbers, it was clear that even with my work income we barely came out ahead. It’s crazy that for some women, their own adult work can “cost” a family money. Unfortunately, in America this if often true.
We also need to consider the less tangible benefits of employment. By working, I was keeping up my professional skills. Those skills and that involvement in paid work life, bring huge personal benefits and retirement income. That has real value. In our house, however, we weren’t having fun, and we were exhausted!
In retrospect, I encourage couples where both parents work to seriously consider hiring a nanny especially if you have more than one child.
As well as providing a loving presence for your kids, they can greatly ease many burdens of the first years of parenting. You won’t have the frantic rush to get out of the house with kids or the need to leave work early for pick-up. The nanny can have the kids bathed and fed before you get home. They can get some laundry done and sweep the floor. If you’re working, these things can help you find the room to breathe a bit and enjoy your kids.
If your nanny can cover a regular date night, you’ll find it an excellent investment in the integrity of your family’s foundation. In many cases, hiring a nanny can be cheaper than paying for two children in daycare or preschool.
To be clear, my kids thrived in a daycare environment. If you have flexibility at work. or family who can help with pick-up/drop off and sick kids, then many children can find enrichment in a multi-age group setting.
There are also other ways to make your days run smoother. You can hire a “mother’s helper” for the after-work hours. Less costly than a nanny, they can give you a hand with dinner, baths, clean up, and laundry. You could hire a teenager to play with your preschoolers while you make dinner.
You may decide to get your house cleaned once a month or move close to family. Do what you can to create a network of parents, moms, family, and friends who will help you through these first difficult years.
Don’t feel bad about looking for support. It really does take a village to raise a child, and as your kids get older, the help you’ll need will become more manageable.
Kathleen Cawley is a physician assistant and author. She is a regular guest columnist for the Auburn Journal where she writes on parenting and childhood. Her book, Navigating the Shock of Parenthood: Warty Truths and Modern Practicalities — from a mom with twins, is now available on Amazon!
