Teaching small children without violence

Khoa Pham
Khoa Pham
May 22, 2018 · 4 min read

Parents are often surprised to hear the experts say they do not need to use any punishment for their children, but the children are always well behaved. The secret to teaching their children can surprise you.

Children learn from everyday life and the most effective way to teach kids is to become good model and treat them the way you want them to treat others, with love and understanding, not with scolding or using disciplinary measures.

That does not mean that you do not give out rules of conduct. “Do not run off the street, do not hit me, do not pee on the carpet, do not steal the flowers of the neighbours, do not hurt the animals” … are some of the principles you can set yourself to teach children but not need punish the child only to force them to comply with the rules.

You will wonder how children can learn to not make mistakes again if you do not punish them in the wrong times. You always think that you have to punish the children to teach them a lesson. In fact, studies show that using penalties with children will create more wrong actions.

When fined, children will feel angry and become defensive with everything around them. A hormone called Adrenalin will endorse children in a sense of wanting to fight instead of peace, cooperation. Children will soon forget the bad actions that cause them to be fined and feel fear, want to cover up in the child.

Instead of punishing your children, take care, love and become the role models to follow. Then, the child will accept the rules we give out more easily.

So, what can we do to help children live disciplined?

Adjust your emotions

That’s also a point kids will learn from you. Do not act hasty when angry or depressed. Take a deep breath, until you calm down and master the situation.

Learn to understand

You have to understand that when children are angry they can not learn anything. Instead of lecturing, take them to a quiet place, calm them down. It’s not a punishment but an opportunity for you to understand me better. If your child is still scared and frightened, do not try to explain the mistake. Instead, give your child a sense of security and love. Then, when you feel calmer, you can be close and tell your child to understand the problem.

Instead of shouting loudly, understand them with loving gestures and gentle words.

Helping children

For example of sitting on a potty, you will have to help your baby the first time. But when you have done it many times, they will be more confident and able to do it themselves. This is the same as when you teach your children to say thank you. Creating habits is very important to help children have the framework to build the basic skills, help shape personality. You may get mad at a child who constantly forgets his coat but merely scolding does not help him remember.

Increases connection with children every day

Turn off the phone, computer and talk to your child to hear the most secret things. When you become a child ‘s friend, they will be more cooperative. They give you trust and respect at the same time, and see you as both their guiding angel and friends.

Connect before request

Before you give your child instructions or requirements, give him / her time to get acquainted with you, to awaken the desire to learn from the child. Remember that children will behave inappropriately when they feel negative about themselves and have no connection with their surroundings.

Give the rules with empathy. Of course you will want to emphasise a few rules but you also need to pay attention to your child’s emotions. When children feel understood, they will accept the rules more easily.

Guide the children to correct themselves

Teach this lesson so early that you can easily convey your message. For example, using a tissue to clean your baby’s milk, do not complain and not be embarrassed. As children grow older, they will calm down when dealing with anger. The example of correcting and apologizing will help your child learn quickly.

Remember that all wrongdoing is also a way to behave with a legitimate need.

When doing wrong, they have their own reasons. At the time, you should see if the child is irritable because of lack of sleep or for some reason not. Talk to your child or dedicate time to cry and release restrained emotions. Once the child has satisfied these basic needs, they will understand and stop misbehaviour.

Remember that kindness is a miracle, and it’s free

Of course you have to be good to yourself but do it to yourself. You can not be loving parents if you do not love yourself. Furthermore, your child will probably act just as they see from their parents. So, please love yourself today!


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Khoa Pham

Written by

Khoa Pham

Cageball apprentice at @hyperoslo. My apps https://onmyway133.github.io/



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