Judge-y, Judge-y, Judgement
I am having a week (or is it a month or has it been a lifetime?) of feeling like I can’t make it, take it, do it, have it, be it. That there’s always something lurking just there in the shadows of my psyche, waiting to get at me and bring me down.
I meet a gorgeous man and he’s interested in me, and I’m like “nah, this can’t ever work out. When has it ever worked out?” And then I think of all the shitty men who this man may perhaps have one characteristic in common with, and I draw parallels and I’m like, yeah, doomed from the word go. And rationally I know there are no guarantees, as well as multiple possibilities and opportunity, “give it time…,” says the other part of me. But my subconscious then resorts to sending me dreams about how it won’t work…
Or there’s the fact that I am launching a new program — it’s actually my first real “offering” as a coach. And as excited as I am, there’s also this part of me saying… “Hah, there goes Pallavi on another harebrained venture, of course no one’s going to sign up. ” This is for a system that I invested in when I had no income and zero direction. A system that has made me think through my whole life and understand what I want in all 12 categories AND got me on the path to it. A system that I say is the reason for why I am here. My improved self esteem, my improved health, my inner state of more balance, my doing the podcast, my finally choosing to build a career doing what I love, my choosing to take the plunge into dating again, my having made new friends. And then my investing further and becoming a coach for this system, is testimony of how much I believe in it.
But, as with men, my question is “Who will invest in me? Why would anyone invest in me?”
I was brought up on this ideal — a slim woman wearing beautiful clothes, a husband who kisses her before they leave for work, happy children and a wonderful extended family. A beautiful house, cars and a fabulous lifestyle, with lots of friends, entertaining, travel etc. Juggling a successful career and home effortlessly with hair in place, nails manicured and a beautiful, peaceful smile on her face.
Basically, you know the stereotype. And you know it’s a figment of my imagination, built up by my conditioning.
Yet this woman pops into my consciousness and sneers at me, lets me know all the ways in which I am not her. If I send her packing in my waking state then my dreams torment me and I wake up feeling like shit. Dreams where I feel infected, dirty, worthless. I wake up feeling guilty as hell about everything and so, so judged.
And so what do I do? I cannot extinguish her, she’s a part of me. And I sure as hell will not stop being grateful for what I know is a fabulous life. Am I then cursed to forever be at war with this inner stereotype that taunts me? It’s exhausting to say the least.
Judy (our therologer as Ameya calls her — therapist + astrologer) says I need to be compassionate with these parts of me that feel this way — being dirty, worthless etc. I also need to be compassionate to the part of me that is the judge of myself. And some day I will find my way to healing them. And that thought does give me relief.
It also answers the question about “who will invest in me?” The fact is — NO ONE.
After all, I did not invest in the system that changed my life nor have I ever invested in the men I have wanted. I saw enough value in them, to invest in my Self (time, money, effort). And as broken, flawed, imperfect, rebellious, haunted as I may be, I know there is tremendous value, in just being me — as I am.
And hopefully, this will help me live with my demons and allow their judgement without really buying into it.