Unpacking…

There is so much on my mind today… and it’s so difficult to figure out what to write about. The overall theme is moving in to this new place and beginning a life with Ameya. Within this theme however, are many sub-plots. So let me get through a couple today, and I hope you will stay with me till the end!

To begin with I need to write about learning how to receive. I am not very good at that, I realised. I prefer giving, it is so much safer. Receiving is scary, it makes me feel vulnerable and too open. It’s like I can only say no or set boundaries if I don’t take anything. But then that doesn’t work either. Because it’s not like I’m a selfless giver. And it’s not like I don’t feel resentful when I don’t feel given to. And thus the complexity, for how can I feel given to when I can’t bear to receive.

Within a day or two of my moving into the house, which was about 10 days before Meya moved in, I received a dose of practicality from her on how I need to receive.

So I did the scary thing.

I asked her to help me unpack the kitchen. I could do everything else, but the kitchen was a huge trigger, especially while I was alone here. The kitchen had been the major bone of contention while living with my mother and so it had the most awful memories and I couldn’t deal with it. She said yes with such ease that I literally left it a mess.

And when Ameya did move in, she took care of it in a way that I still felt involved and that I belong. She dealt with what she could. She also very gently and firmly partnered with me to help me deal with what I needed to. When I woke up this morning all revved up about cooking, it felt amazing! It will still take me time to fully feel a sense of belonging to the kitchen but I know it will happen. More importantly I have learnt how safe it is to ask and receive from Ameya. Deep breath of relief!

The second is not a lesson as much as an observation. And this, I think, is an outcome of the podcast and all the ways we have grown since we started. It amazes me how much I feel like a normal person. In stark contrast to feeling like a “fat” person in a fat phobic world. Whenever I’ve moved to a new place I’ve always been anxious about how people will look at me. I have always been worried about who’s hello will be followed with dieting advice or information on how close the gym is etc. But here, it did not even cross my mind. Until one morning I went out on the balcony in my off-shoulder kaftan, got a couple of stares and suddenly realised how little I cared. And I love that Meya gives even fewer fucks, so inspiring.

And so it begins, the unpacking, the settling in, the adventure. So far, I feel safe, cocooned and happy!