Month 4: Finding a Balance
Learnings and observations from my first year of fatherhood
Day 92: Mom has moved onto YouTube today. She has finally exhausted Facebook and Instagram. Today’s conversation centred around Howie Mandel, as she shared his history of talk show interviews since 1985. She is fast approaching the ends of the Internet.
Day 93: I’ve been taking every Friday off since Baby was born. TGIF! Today is the last one, it’s going to be a hard road back.
Day 94: Baby laughed for the first time! My brother rubbed her hands along the stubble of his round face and she wouldn’t stop cracking up. Our hearts melted.
Sadly my ego melted too, I can’t grow a beard so I can’t make her laugh…
Day 95: This industry is run by moms exploiting moms. My friend paid $400 for a sleep consultant. It’s one phone consult and one follow up email, with a sleep strategy taken straight from a $10 book. The jist of it being — Do nothing, let your baby cry it out — The hustle is real in these streets.
Day 96: Mom’s latest Facebook induced fear is baby heat stroke. Last week it was toxic floor mats. Next week it’ll be babies catching colds from the AC we’ve had on blast, to combat said heat stroke.
Day 97: We’ve been trying to stretch Baby’s feeds out by 15 minutes every few days. The hope being that Baby will eat more, sleep more, and in two weeks we’ve bought ourselves an extra hour of Netflix. Baby of course has decided to eat less, sleep less, and we’re one week deep feeling like we’ve been starving her.
Day 98: An hour of continual attempts to make Baby laugh… no dice.
Day 99: Hey mom! Remember that time you thought it was a good idea to sit on a stool and bathe in the tub with Baby?
Day 100: We made it, 100 days! As weird as this world is right now, I’m thankful of the conditions we’ve been born into. In a lot of places 100 days is still a pipe dream.
Day 101: If you’re deep in the game, you know all about the limp arm test for sleep. Adopted from the annals of the WWE, raise her arm and see if it drops without resistance. If it drops 3 times in a row, she’s out for the count. But if you’re Baby, you’re fighting till the bitter end.
Day 102: Scored free mushrooms and tortilla chips today. Found them in the stroller’s forgotten undercarriage when we got home from the supermarket. Maybe it was an accident, maybe it wasn’t. My brain is shrouded in a continual fog.
Side note — Babies would make incredible drug mules (not that I’m advocating for that in any way).
Day 103: We finally caged Baby in her crib, all four walls are up. We removed that U-shaped pillow that was keeping her in place and she’s doing all sorts of turns and half rolls in there now. Ironically she’s her freest behind bars.
Day 104: As a dad of a baby girl, it’s hard not to fast forward to when boys are chasing her. When you’ll have that stern talking to, with that loser who broke her heart or that scumbag with bad intentions. Even if another baby tries to hold her hand, now, I’m going to run interference!
“You have a daughter, you’re the first and last line of defence! You can either be a butter knife or an Ak47! You need that cobra back and a chest that pops through your shirt! Swole is the goal! PROTECT THIS HOUSE!”
– Meathead dad at the gym spitting that truth
Day 105: So it turns out that if we feed her the bottle and then the boob, she’ll eat twice as much versus the boob alone. She just wants that continual fast flow. She’d rather not eat than wait for that slow hind milk.
Day 106: Baby saw me after work today and had the biggest toothless smile, ear to ear. Baby aka Gums owns me, now and forever.
Day 107: I found strands of Mom’s hair in Baby’s neck folds, as I have all over the house. She’s shedding! Baby’s hormonal boost is weaning and this is the byproduct. It’ll all grow back I think? Moms have it rough and Baby won’t even say thanks.
Day 108: 30 seconds of cold, high pitched screams at a restaurant today felt like an hour. And we got all insecure as it felt like everyone stopped to stare, quietly judging us, shaking their heads in disgust.
Day 109: Having a baby doesn’t mean mom and dad don’t fight, of course they do. But it’s a weird dynamic that the baby adds to the situation. She doesn’t diffuse the tension, she instead diverts it. She becomes a distraction as issues fester and are buried. As mom and dad clamour to stay busy, over-compensating with extra baby attention. If left unchecked, this tension will become a rift. This is where we are now.
Day 110: Mom was on my case for dropping toothpaste on the ground today. I’ve been up since 6am — commuting, working, and being all in with Gums when I finally got home. I could care less about dropping some toothpaste! She’s trapped at home and she’s been listening to cries all day. She feels relegated to maid duties and playing homemaker, so even these little things are setting her off. We both feel our contributions are under appreciated but ultimately we’re both just maxed out.
Day 111: Strapped Gums into the Baby Björn for the first time and walked to the park, realizing the importance of these spaces for families – 5 year olds playing soccer with over zealous parents in lawn chairs. Strollers with sleeping babies being pushed up and down walkways. Dads and moms just like me, with the kangaroo sack on, having 1-way conversations with their minis. Kids zigging and zagging, while parents watch from benches – Man, I still remember when going to the park was for smoking weed and drinking. I guess that’s the night shift, for the rebellious youth.
Day 112: Woke up at 5:30am, 5am, 3:30am, and 2:30am so far this week. I’m not even bothered by Baby anymore, my body clock is just broken.
Day 113: Drove for 5 minutes tonight before realizing that I had no idea where I was even trying to go. Baby brain is a real thing.
Day 114: Mommy Facebook groups have become mom’s tribe. She speaks of them by first name, sharing a new factoid or tip everyday without fail. And of course like any crew there’s drama. Beefs with judgemental moms who question your choices or classless moms pedalling used bras or diapers.
Note to self: Option reality show about this.
Day 115: Not sure my dad understands why I’m as active and present in Baby’s life. Isn’t child rearing Mom’s job? I should be out making money! I think he thinks I’m just soft.
Day 116: Walked out of a meeting today at 5:10pm sharp, so I could run to catch my 5:30pm train. I’ve become that guy and I feel a little bad, but I ain’t missing precious Baby minutes so I can hear about your TPS reports or Pokemon collection. I just can’t anymore.
Day 117: Was watching an episode of America’s Got Talent and they did this segment on this 9 year old girl who was battling adversity while chasing her dreams of becoming the next Whitney Houston. And she sings, and she kills. And the crowd erupts and her parents cry. And I start crying, thinking this could be Gums on the stage and a feeling of immense proudness that her parents must feel, rolls over me. What the hell is happening to me?? My dad was right, I’ve become soft.
Day 118: We cracked it! I just pretended to eat Baby’s neck and she finally giggled. It seems so obvious now. I’d put her laugh up against any cat video out there, this is cuter.
Day 119: Investing 5 minutes to wind Baby down before sleeps saves us 20 minutes of crying.
Day 120: Baby life is incredibly structured, nap every 1.5 hours, feed every 3.5. Use vaseline in the day, Sudocrem at night. Don’t use wipes if you can use a wet towel. Start and end the day with a face and hand wash, read a book before sleeps. No TV, no staying up past 8 pm. Always use a sleep sack. Always use white noise.
You can’t have two conflicting governing bodies at home, or routines get broken and chaos ensues. She who owns the schedule owns the baby and since everything is about Baby, I just fall in line. This is how the war of the sexes was lost.
Day 121: Between work and Gums, I interacted with Mom maybe 15 minutes today. We’re flipping through Instagram while watching Netflix. Sitting beside each other, brains off, not even talking. It’s as if we’re strangers at a bus stop. Sometimes it’s hard to make space for each other when you’re both so tired and can’t even make space for yourselves.
Day 122: You’re going to get the baby you get, and it’s not lost on me that we’ve been pretty lucky. Mom refers to Gums as Perfect Baby and she often is. She barely cries, and does only when she really really needs something. She’s perfectly content sitting there, watching us. She sleeps at 8 and dream feeds at night. She doesn’t fight the milk and naps regularly without much fuss. She’s got a killer smile (when she smiles) and is happy to entertain herself in the playpen. She’s alert and she’s healthy, and we couldn’t have asked for much more.
