Month 12: The World is Yours
Learnings and observations from my first year of fatherhood.
Day 335: Holy Shit. Baby is going to be one soon. A year ago she was just a dot on an ultrasound. Two years ago she was just a little tad pole swimming around in my sack. Man this is so wild.
Day 336: Happy birthday Mom! It’s unfortunate that it’s so close to Baby’s though. Even you don’t care about your own birthday anymore. I got you a croissant and you were thrilled!
Day 337: The house is a disaster. The price of her curiosity is our sanity. And I still haven’t figured out whether Baby is giving us life or slowly leeching it away.
Day 338: After Baby got sick last week, she went from being independent to needy. She just wants to be held now, all the time. I’m on the toilet and she’s clawing at the door like the Terminator, prying it open, looking for cuddles.
Day 339: “She’s 11 months and a week.” I actually said that to a cashier today. I am that over-sharing parent who is making pathetic attempts at trying to slow time down.
Day 340: Easter is the poor man’s version of Christmas. It’s another holiday that parents use to incentivize good behaviour. But at this age, before the lies and bribes and before the whole resurrection of Christ talk, there’s Snapchat filters. Boops is a bunny today.
Day 341: Mom has a small fan club, new parents asking her for advice. She’s somehow this veteran now in her connected matriarchy. Her mentors have been promoted and she’s now in charge of the trainees.
Day 342: It’s ironic that toys are so heavily regulated to be baby safe, yet our baby’s favourite toy is garbage. Actual garbage.
Day 343: Grandparents have been parents for decades. It allows them to have this relaxed take on the whole Baby thing. They’ve seen the future. McDonald’s and television won’t kill her. Neither will missed naps or ice cream. But their approach and our neuroses are naturally at odds. As is my relationship with Mom if I’m not running interference.
Day 344: Baby retains much more than she lets on. We’ve been trying to teach her how to touch her nose for a week now and she never does it. Then we catch her in the corner today quietly practicing by herself.
Day 345: Baby likes to push her toys under the couch and whine when she can’t get them back. And if she does, she just does it all over again. Who does that?? We spent 15 minutes looking for the TV remote and I should’ve known it was under there. It’s one of her toys, as is everything else in the house.
Day 346: Baby nonchalantly picks her nose. Well not really pick, she just shoves her finger in there and leaves it. We’re at a dinner, we’re all cracking up, and her uncle is encouraging it. And this is why being an uncle is amazing. You get to see it for what it is, her exploring and learning. You don’t have the baggage of habits and consequences to worry about.
Day 347: It’s been a month and we’ve had a virus jump from Baby to Mom to Me to Baby and today back to Mom. This is comical. We’re playing hot potato except this might go on forever and there are no winners.
Day 348: I put keys into the sunglass case, closed it, and POOF! The keys disappeared! Boops is in awe and if that’s all it took, I’m going to be her hero for a long time. We’re as much her world as she is ours.
Day 349: Baby blew her nose today, some kids can’t even do this until seven! I’m not writing this to boast, it’s more this internal pressure I feel now. Let’s say she was a naturally advanced nose blower or in the future excelled at singing for example. I should build on that talent right? Encourage it? Get her help, bring her to competitions? But that future also leads to the Little Miss Sunshine pageant and the way too serious soccer dad. Where’s the line between my ego and hers?
Day 350: If Mom is present, she will always choose Mom. But if it’s just me she’s completely content. It’s this presence of choice and a reminder that she too will be a future slave to marketers. It’s also a reminder as to where I sit in the pecking order.
Day 351: I’m 36 and when my parents were this age they were immigrants with two kids. When my grandparents were 36 they were just trying to survive the war and the Japanese invasion. It puts things in perspective and it makes me appreciative of the generations before us that afforded me this opportunity to complain about this wifi coverage in the house, it’s terrible!
Day 352: Mom has officially lifted the ban against sodium. Baby ate restaurant pasta and she finally experienced flavour for the first time in her life.
Day 353: I spent the morning making her breakfast; golden egg-free banana crepes with a spread of cheese and fruits meticulously cut to fit into her tiny fists. It took me half an hour to prepare and it only took her a minute to throw it all on the floor. She would only eat Cheerios.
Day 354: I showed her how to blow spit, to punch, to stick out her tongue, to mean mug. And as the basketball game plays in the background, and Run the Jewels blares from the speaker, I’m realizing that I’m raising her up as as this unrefined little boy. It’s really all I know.
Day 355: It’s so special when Baby laughs, that jokes get so quickly overplayed. Same with her tricks and my insistence that she repeat them. I go from being fun to annoying in seconds. Eventually I’m going to be that lame dad embarrassing her in front of her friends, trying way too hard to fit in.
Day 356: She crawled upstairs today, unassisted. I didn’t think she’d have the attention span or strength for it but Mom sitting at the top is the best carrot she could ask for. I’ve never been so proud of her. This fatherhood thing has me catching all sorts of feelings.
Day 357: Since this has become the book of record, Mom and I are taking bets on how you’re going to turn out 15 years from now:
You’re going to be stubborn but social. Definitely a Tom-boy. You’re going to be smarter than the two us by the time you’re 7. I say righty, Mom says lefty. You got both my metabolism and fatty appetite, but sadly Mom’s sass. Don’t think you’ll be much of an athlete either, you enjoy relaxing way too much. To my dismay, I think you’ll be into older boys.
Day 358: Mom’s changing her diaper and before she can get a fresh one on, Baby’s sitting in a pile of her own pee, playing with it.
Day 359: Mom’s going back to work soon and she’s choked up about it. It’s a big change. But she’s going to secretly enjoy working, it’s easier than child rearing. It’s the dirty little secret all parents know but never speak of.
Day 360: I don’t know why it took me so long to start milking the local toy store. Baby can just play with this constant refreshing roster of new toys that I don’t even have to pay for! Family washrooms are readily available. We just gotta pack some snacks and this is pretty much Disney for her.
Day 361: It’s your one year birthday party. Your Mom wanted to invite all your baby friends but you’re not going to remember this, and it’s questionable whether y’all are even friends. And since you’re just babies, one invite is really three invites. So instead of dropping $1k we kept it tight, just family. Any future resentment is offset by the fact that you had cake for the first time. A macaron actually because of all that loot we saved.
Day 362: You’re banned from our bed. You’re a heavy breather. You claw at my face with your talons. You’re constantly turning and kicking. And you wake up so early! It’s only 5am and drool is already splashing over my face, as you sit over me, ready to play. Mom’s a sadist for letting this happen.
Day 363: There is nothing more emasculating than me having to read My Big Girl Undies to her every night. There’s not even a practical reason for it, she’s still in diapers!
Day 364: Mom was up all night, writing you a birthday card, reflecting on the year. I’m going to do the opposite and project to the future:
I hope you love and respect yourself, first and foremost.
I hope you forever remain grounded and work hard. Nothing in this life is given.
I hope you never choose rock over rap, friends over family, or frozen over fresh.
I hope you remember that music is best enjoyed loud, that bacon tastes good on anything. And that being cool means being comfortable in your own skin.
Be authentic.
I hope you forever remain a learner and I hope you squeeze every last bit out of this life.
I hope you can forever look at the world with the same innocence and curiosity you have now.
I hope you can model us at our best and learn from us at our worst.
I hope you still love us after reading this.
And I hope you remember that whatever you want in this life you can have.
The world is yours.
Day 365: One was a lie. I thought it was a magical milestone bookmarking the hardest part of parenting. But I’m only now realizing that this is just the beginning. She’s sentient and mobile now. She’s a little person and not this blob that we’ve been incubating anymore. Each level has its own unique challenges and there is no quitting in this game. We’re pot committed.
I remember leaving the hospital on Day 2 and the nurse saying we’ll forget how hard this was, how tired and overwhelmed we are. And that we’d be back, they always come back she said. She was right.
Baby needs a companion.
Mom, I still can’t believe you let me share all of this. You’ll always be her favourite. To my 5 fans, thank you for following along and thank you for holding me accountable. Social pressure is a bitch. If I ever become that deadbeat dad, this work might be my one salvation in the court room. Baby, this thing and every thing is for you. Don’t let the robots win. One love.
