Month 8: I Think I’m Good Cop
Learnings and observations from my first year of fatherhood.
Day 215: Mom used to say that breast is best. But when you’re pumping 2 hours a day, stuck to a chair, listening to the droning hum of a machine, formula starts making a lot more sense. It’s like you’re making a protein shake; 1 scoop to 60ml of water, shake shake shake, done!
Pro-tip: Regarding time savings, Mom’s new obsession is the Instant Pot. It allows for a lot of fire and forget it kind of meals, all in one pot, cooked in half the time. Pretty ideal for busy moms and dads.
Day 216: Monday hit hard today. How do working parents do this for 18+ years?? Alcohol, it’s probably alcohol.
Day 217: Baby came to the office to see who I’ve been cheating on her with. Nothing halts productivity like a baby does. I paraded her around for 30 minutes, amidst 2 outfit changes and 1 shoulder ride, noting everyone who didn’t gush at her. You’re all fired! Ha!
Day 218: We’re sitting face to face, screeching back and forth like little raptors. We’re communicating, kinda. It’s supposed to be good for her speech development, but more likely I’m just building her capacity for louder screams.
Day 219: Ate cheese from the floor for breakfast and showered using discarded baby shampoo. I’ve become the recycling bin.
Day 220: Since we’ve been transitioning to solids, she’s refusing milk. When I offer the bottle, she purses her lips and swings her face in protest. And when I’m stern… it doesn’t make a difference. I have no authority over her.
Day 221: Baby and our dog Milo are going to be best of friends. The latter will eat anything off the floor and the former puts more food on the floor than she does in her mouth.
Day 222: She’s crying and it sounded like she just yelled “Maaaama!” Pretty sure she hasn’t actually associated that sound with Mom, so she isn’t really speaking, but for our internal books that’ll be her first word.
Day 223: We’ve been together for 5 years and I finally caved and bought Mom flowers. Having a kid has squashed all the machismo out of me. She deserves the world.
I also need to model a behaviour that Baby can see and expect when she starts dating at 40.
Day 224: If you’ve been reading along you know that I front. I downplay this whole dad thing because well, nobody likes photo dad. But I realized today that everyone can see right through the facade, I can’t help but smile when I talk about Baby now.
Day 225: We went to five dollar stores today, so Mom could find a Santa hat to dress Baby in. She does it all for the ‘Gram.
Day 226: Baby just swallowed a big piece of carrot! Her face turned red and she was gagging. Fortunately she managed to cough it up, vomiting out all of her milk with it. But this is baby led weaning — Loud and red let them go ahead, silent and blue they need help from you. We’re shook up and that mantra is dumb.
Day 227:
Dad with son: “Ohh! That’s your future girlfriend [referring to Baby]!”
Me: “She’s too good for your son, she has standards.”
I still can’t believe I went there, but having a kid hasn’t stopped me from being an asshole.
Day 228: It’s our first date night without Baby, and it only took 7.5 months and our wedding anniversary to make it happen! That’s nuts, even by new parent standards. Sadly, this is likely an early indicator of us being helicopter parents. And by us I mean Mom. She’s already there, full on flying that helicopter.
Day 229: She can’t yet crawl forward but she’s in constant motion, backwards and in circles. She has no idea where she’s going, she’s just backing that thang up.
Day 230: Baby’s playing peek-a-boo, hiding and revealing her face with the bath towel. I think she’s just doing this for us. We’re finding this way more amusing than she is.
Day 231: I didn’t know this was a thing, but Baby has been drinking water from a straw since 6.5 months. Mom wanted me to document this because Google says babies typically do this at 9 months and she’s trying to build a case that Baby is super advanced.
Day 232: I have such a short window with Baby after work. I shower her with attention, I don’t put her down. I’m tickling her and we’re rolling around. We’re switching lights on and off and making silly faces in the mirror. She laughs the hardest with me. I am dad, purveyor of fun. Mom is salty, burdened with being the maintainer of life.
Day 234: We went to a Christmas party today. Uncle Dave was dressed up as Santa and while sitting on his lap, Baby pulled his fake beard down. Gasp! Scream! She ruined Christmas for at least a few of these kids. But I guess as a parent, you just have to further the that fake Santa works for real Santa and he’s just completing his volunteer hours.
Day 235: She swapped out kisses for blowing spit. It’s really cute but there’s saliva everywhere. She does it during feeds too, spitting everything up. Mom thinks I taught this to her. I’m just proud that she’s practicing.
Day 236: Seeing poo come out when you change the diaper, as if you were the bottom of a toilet bowl, is something that can never be unseen.
Day 237: Both Mom and Baby are sick and I’m quickly realizing how useless being Fun Dad is and the value of Mom when this whole operation comes to a grinding halt. She only wants Mom when she’s not well. I’m just here following orders and executing, today more than most.
Day 238: I’m off work for the holidays! Though the only person really getting time off is Mom, I’m just putting more hours into my second job, Baby.
Day 239: Went to the mall to take Santa photos. Is it just me or is it weird that we pay for our children to sit on the laps of creepy, bearded strangers??
Day 240: It’s hard always being present and celebrating every small win with Baby. Like when she rolls that ball for the 549th time today and looks at you brimming with joy. You gotta feign interest right?
Day 241: Because of the Carrot Incident of Day 226, we’ve stopped letting her feed herself. Now she won’t even pick food up. Hand feeding is cute for a minute but it’s so much more work. The more we do. the less she does. I’m starting to think this applies to parenting in general.
Day 242: Blasting Snoop Dogg’s magnum opus, Doggystyle, in the house. My window for highly inappropriate hip hop is weaning.
Day 243: It’s Baby’s first Christmas! She has no idea how to unwrap all the gifts and re-gifts that we got, but she’s blessed to have such an amazing family around her. We have this annual Christmas dinner, some older members have moved on but younger ones like our Little Bear moved in, keeping that light shinning bright for everyone.
Day 244: You get used to the baby schedule, the rhythm of it all, that you fall into the boring-ass-parent schedule. Where you get so used to being at home, waiting for the baby to wake between naps. Where you’re tired by 9 and in bed by 10. My friend visiting from LA wanted to go dancing tonight, I passed and blamed the baby. But really I was flipping through Instagram in my underwear, conserving energy, waiting for tomorrow 5am when we’d do this Baby thing all over again.
