Month 9: Opening the Flood Gates
Learnings and observations from my first year of fatherhood.
Day 245: Today we’re baby-proofing. I’m condoming corners, covering wires, and securing things to the wall. We should just wrap this whole goddamn place in bubble wrap, but we haven’t given up on life yet.
Day 246: She’s officially allergic to eggs. We’re practicing stabbing ourselves in the leg with a dummy EpiPen. I hope this forever remains just a drill.
Day 247: Another baby grabbed her shirt and she stiff-armed him right in the face! We’re outwardly apologetic, but inwardly so proud.
Day 248: Maybe it’s because of teething, but she’s not eating at all. This is now the emotional cycle of feeds:
Optimism: She’s going to eat this time!
Frustration: Why aren’t you eating??
Anger: Eat!!
Desperation: Please eat…anything.
Defeat: Fine, don’t eat.
Concern: I hope she doesn’t starve to death.
Day 249: New years rang out at 8pm today. Twenty toddlers, drinking bubbly apple juice, screaming to a Netflix countdown of monsters celebrating at a castle. Baby has no idea what’s going on. Neither do I. Five years ago this was a completely different party.
Day 250: She’s not into milk but is into water, so I swapped milk into her water cup and she’s drinking again. It’s only considered lying if you get caught, right?
Spoiler alert — You get caught and now she won’t drink either.
Day 251: Baby is watching me eat chocolate, wide-eyed, licking her lips and drooling. I thought this only happened in cartoons!! She wants whatever we eat.
Day 252: Apparently the protein in eggs change depending on how it’s prepared, and in this banana muffin we made today, she seemed ok, no hives! There’s hope! Battered foods are back in play! Yes!
Day 253: Woke up to Baby sitting upright in her crib, all by herself! We’re witnessing the discovery of this basic function, nine months in the making. Nothing I do today will be as special.
Day 254: I’m officially jealous that she only says Mama. I’ve spent the day constant whispering Dada in her ear.
Day 255: Picking her up this morning, disappointment on her face — it’s not Mom. It’s only been a week since I’ve been back at work, and she’s already on that What have you done for me lately tip. Cold little bae. Cold.
Day 256: Forget that baby-signing business. It’s not taking and Baby’s already quite expressive:
Arms up: Pick me up.
Yawn/eye rub: I’m tired.
Reach: I want.
Grunt: More.
Blowing spit (her favourite): No more.
Sucks thumb: I’m hungry or tired.
Kisses: I own you. Now swoon for me!
Crying: Help me!
Mama!: Dad’s an idiot, Mom will know what I want.
We’re finally exiting the black box.
Day 257: Mom and Baby are coming with me on a business trip to the West Coast tomorrow. The packing is still the same (3:1 ratio of Baby’s stuff to ours), but the anxiety of travel is gone. After we got our cherry popped in Month 5, you realize that it’ll all work out. Well, because it has to.
Day 258: Walking up and down the aisles with Baby on the way to Vegas. The plane is divided. Parents who swoon and empathize with the struggle, and non-parents who roll their eyes, puzzled as to why we’d bring a baby onto their flight. I hope these folks hemorrhage money when we land.
Day 259: I’m at the poker table in Vegas, and I’m running so bad. My reads are off, I’m hesitating, and all I can think about is this third-hand smoke Baby would be inhaling later. It’s going to get stuck in my clothes. This might lead to SIDs! I’m rushing. I’m all in. I’m bust. Damnit!
Day 260: The Consumer Electronic Show is why we’re in Vegas and it’s a glimpse into Baby’s future. It’s crazy to think that she might not ever need to drive, or cook, or clean. Machines will do that. She’s going to grow up in the era of holograms, living in this persistent mixed reality space. Her future job doesn’t even exist today, and her first pet just might be robotic. She’s going to grow up in a completely different world than I did.
Day 261: Today we played so much that she vomited all over me.
Day 262: Changed a diaper in the car and she rolled before I wiped. There’s a smudge of poo on the seat now. I’m glad this is a rental.
Pro-tip: Prunes work on babies just as well as they do on seniors.
Day 263: She said Baba!! That’s close enough, I’m owning it. I now exclusively refer to myself in the third person, Baba, to reinforce this association.
Day 264: I’m digging into my pockets and I got some table bread, half a banana, tissues from a Starbucks, and a flyer from a museum that doubles as a toy. On the road, it’s like a video game: You’re hoarding possible solutions to that inevitable meltdown.
Day 265: Baby monster woke up at 3am today, the morning of my meeting. Wailing, wide awake. She just wanted to play… for the next two hours.
Day 266: If we put her down she cries, if we pick her up she stops. This is separation anxiety and our response will either quell the present or jeopardize the future.
Day 267: Morning flight home, I draped a jacket overtop us, forming a makeshift tent to block the light coming through all these windows. It’s a run the clock situation. My hat and jacket are already covered in fruit puree, and my ears are still ringing from her cries. We’re only an hour into the flight. Please work. Please sleep.
Day 268: During Month 3 my friend asked if I’d be ok watching Baby on my own, for a day, without Mom. Of course I said yes. I can now confirm that I was and am a liar. Mom’s out for the whole day and this is terrifying! I’m going to Grandma’s, she’ll know what to do.
Day 269: She’s too mobile for the playpen and too curious to be left alone. So we fenced her in. We’ve officially became those parents. But when you catch her eating cable wires and chewing slippers, the trust just ain’t there!
Day 270: Changing her diaper took 30 mins today. It’s like wrestling a bear.
Day 271: Got the Roomba for Christmas. It’s a below average vacuum but an above average baby sitter! Baby sat and stared at it for 30 minutes today.
Day 272: She’s full-on crawling! Suddenly, overnight, her little 3' x 3' ft. radius has expanded to the whole floor. She can get anywhere and she can touch/grab/eat anything at or below the knees. I’m so proud yet so terrified.
Day 273: The opposite of Day 247 happened. Another baby manhandled her and took her toys, while Baby just cried. Cue Rocky workout montage.
Day 274: Sometimes parenting is easy. She sleeps for half the time, and she plays independently or eats for the other half. I don’t want to say we’re on easy street, but I took a lot of naps today!
Note from the future - Mom wasn’t into this comment. Do not say this to her. She will resent you and she will put you to work.
Day 275: It’s as if Baby is on that drug from Limitless. There’s no filter and it’s just a flood of inputs. She’s not even sleeping well anymore. She’s just alert, processing. I feel she’s developed exponentially in a week. Her crawl, her grips, her speech. I want. No I need, what she’s on.
