The Hidden Aspect of a Father’s Authority
Every father is an authority figure for his child. However, the kind of authority he uses makes a huge difference in his child’s life.
Though there are three aspects of authority, only the first two are commonly associated with it: authority as violence and power, and as reputation and prestige. Even dictionaries limit the definition of the word “authority” as the power, or right, to give orders, make decisions, and to demand and enforce obedience. However, there’s also a third aspect of authority, knowledge and wisdom, which is rarely, if ever, mentioned. Why?
In order to explore this question we need to start by stating that authority is always relational. For anyone to exercise authority they need another person. When authority is based on violence and power, and reputation and prestige, the relationship between people is best described as power over. This dynamic, rooted in dominance and control may result in obedience and polite behaviour on the surface, but underneath it often evokes feelings of anger, fear, revenge, anxiety, shame, blaming and hate.
On the other hand, when authority is based on knowledge and wisdom, it’s best understood as power to, a guiding force helping the other person feel empowered to accomplish a task, or to go through a difficult phase in life.
It’s easiest to understand these three aspects when we look at fairy tales, because they often contain all three manifestations of authority. The king, who appears at the beginning of fairy tales, usually has reputation and prestige as he’s trying to establish a sustainable kingdom by marrying off either his sons or daughters. The princes and princesses have to follow the king’s orders, otherwise there will be a great cost for them to pay. Fairy tales depict authority as based on violence and power in the forms of powerful magicians, dragons, tricksters, and vicious advisors to the king. These are dark and destructive forces, which the hero must fight to overcome. The knowledge and wisdom aspect of authority shows up many times when the hero is stuck in an impossible situation needing guidance and support to bring him to a higher level of consciousness. These wisdom figures vary from horses and foxes, to ants, frogs, birds, and of course, sage men and women.
Patriarchal cultures are about power over. However, it doesn’t mean that the sage and guiding messages that can empower the next genaration are not there. They’re present, just not very prominent. The voice of confident, balanced, and wise fathers hasn’t been heard in our collective discourse for a long time. It’s rare that we hear directly from these fathers, or even hear about them. That’s why so many of us were deeply touched by the eulogies of Elijah Cumming’s daughters at his funeral service last year. The daughters gave one of the most beautiful descriptions of the strong, helpful and wise father. Here are some excerpts from their speeches:
“Thank you for teaching me discernment. You always cared about what I thought.”
“Thank you for nurturing me and loving me unconditionally. I’ll miss your wise words.”
“Thank you for teaching me to be bold and confident and stand in my power. To stand up against bullies.”
“Thank you for teaching me the dual power of my beauty and my brilliance.”
The Fathers for Daughters Global Initiative was founded with this goal in mind: to bring out the guiding and empowering voices of fathers, to highlight the knowledge and wisdom aspect of authority, in order to restore a long lost balance of masculine and feminine leadership within us; in all genders.
The authentic stories shared with me by fathers and daughters in this project highlight significant relational themes. Fathers often wish they sooner had the wisdom to just listen, to relate better to their daughters in order to support them, instead of pushing their point of view, or switching into task solving mode. In these stories fathers share new realizations, which took place after deep interactions with their daughters:
“I did not need to help her solve her problem, I just needed to sit with her in the dark.”
“With the best intention, I was methodically, and unforgivingly, looking for mistakes — for what’s not working.”
“My daughter is my role model when it comes to handling stressful situations; she knows better than anyone I know how to bring joy to others and oneself.”
“My daughter made me realize how often I try to come up to other people’s expectations. With her I can completely be myself.”
When it comes to a father’s role in shaping his daughter’s leadership presence, adult daughters often remember moments of feeling empowered, trusted, and supported by their father for who they truly are. They say:
“I can still hear my Dad say, ”Heck with ’em, kid. Do what you want”.
“He taught me to trust in myself, and in my own power.”
“My father taught me that ‘being’ always comes before ‘doing’. This has helped me ground myself many times in stressful situations.”
“I hear my father’s voice inside me saying I can give it a chance.”
Hans Dieckmann, a Jungian analyst, whose concept I quoted about the three aspects of authority at the beginning, also talks about feeling concerned for our civilization today. He says, “The search for a source of authority less contaminated by violence and power is vital”. I couldn’t agree with him more.
The more fathers become conscious of this sorely needed, guiding aspect of authority, and bring it alive, the more evenly balanced leadership will be in the world.
