Childfree: The Choice No One Wants to Talk About
As a woman who doesn’t want children, I sometimes feel like I’m living on the wrong planet.
I love not being a mother.
How many times have you heard a woman say that? I can count all of zero. I don’t even say it out loud.
I don’t want to offend anyone. I don’t want to seem weird. Cold.
If I’m being honest, I’m also tired of people projecting their feelings about parenthood onto me.
So, I try to keep my enthusiasm low key. I want the conversation to move on to something else before it gets uncomfortable. No, I won’t change my mind, but thanks for your opinion.
It would feel great to get to share how happy the way I live really makes me. I think we all deserve to celebrate our individuality and to own our joys.
Deciding not to have children is still, in 2020, a choice that puzzles a lot of people. The idea that all women want to be mothers — or should want to be mothers — is no different than any other generalization about women. It’s harmful and complete BS.
I have never written about this publicly. But the perspectives that are virtually absent from our culture, the ones that get dismissed when someone does speak up about them, are the ones we need to talk about most.
We need to own our choices
If you’ve ever had the same person tell you, for what has to be the 10th time they’ve said it, that you might change your mind about not wanting to have kids, you know how exasperating it can be to try to explain your perspective.
Maybe you’ve even gotten “it’s not too late.” Someone said that to me once in a grocery store aisle — definitely a violation of personal boundaries in my books.
Throughout my 20s, I was patronized regularly about what I knew was a very clear, very real, conviction that I held.
I did not, and still do not, see parenthood as an experience that I want to have.
If you feel this way, and you’re waiting for society to validate your perspective, that may never happen.
It sounds cliché, but you need to unapologetically own your truth instead. It will cause you a lot less discomfort.
Why is this important?
A woman I know who also doesn’t want to become a mom once told me that her good friend asked her not to mention it at a party, because “it would make her seem weird.”
Women don’t need another reason to be told not to be themselves.
People still poke fun at me for not wanting to have kids. It seems to amuse them. Or they just don’t get it, so they laugh about it instead, which isn’t the worst thing that could happen. But it’s still a form of invalidation.
I also get comments that I “hate children”. Yes, if you don’t want to be a mother, you hate kids. It’s one or the other.
I (mostly) don’t think these comments and attitudes are intentionally pointed. I believe that despite the awkwardness, the more we as women own our choices and talk about them, the more we normalize our choices.
You may be thinking that when someone is different, it shouldn’t be their responsibility to cultivate acceptance from others.
I agree. But unfortunately, human history has proven this is the way it always goes. So, step off the sidelines. Celebrate your decision and your happiness.
You do not need permission from anyone to be proud to be yourself.
Have you accepted you?
There is growing support — for example, within communities like Fearless She Wrote — to help women build the confidence to live their lives on their terms.
As a woman who doesn’t want to have kids, it’s true that you’re in the minority. You may wish you knew more women who shared your perspective. I certainly wish I did.
Regardless, what you want for your life is no less valid and no less wonderful than the incredibly in-your-face overculture we live in.
Conversations about motherhood take up a lot of space, online and elsewhere. And that’s actually fantastic, in my opinion. Motherhood does not seem easy.
But there is room for everyone. Every woman’s experience is important and emotionally rich. Don’t be afraid to share yours.
If we want to live in an equitable society where diversity of lifestyles is truly valued, and not just given lip service, this is a conversation we need to have.
