Coping with Anxiety During Pregnancy
I never knew that it could cast a spell of utter joy and self-transformation.
Those magical two lines on a stick… I never knew that such a small and simple marker could cast a spell of utter joy and self-transformation. A few years earlier, the doctors diagnosed me with early-stage renal cell carcinoma. It was a miracle that the cancer was curative. Up until then, my catchphrase would be, “I do not want children, I’m clueless about why people want them”.
The surgery and my recovery changed everything. I understood the meaning and importance of family and wanted to raise one of my own.
My first try ended as a biochemical pregnancy. It is a condition where your body starts to produce pregnancy hormones, but you get your period in a week or so. It is not excruciating as a miscarriage, but it got my hopes and dreams flying and then crashed them down. So, on my second try, I was optimistic yet cautious. My husband and I did not jump around and cry happy tears like we did the first time. We said, “That’s great! Let’s follow it up with more tests”.
This cautiousness and the constant waiting to check if I was still pregnant got my mind in a whirl. My personality started changing.
I am usually a big sharer, but I chose to keep things under wraps this time. I don’t google any medical questions often but now, I found myself asking Google again and again on what to do to sustain a pregnancy.
To make things worse, my fears were not completely unfounded.
There was a blood clot near the fetus which was threatening my pregnancy. My doctor advised rest at home. I had plenty of time in my hands and I was getting caught in a vicious circle of fear and anxiety. This anxiety was irrespective of whether the doctors gave me good news or bad news. I was in a privileged position with a good support system and finances. Yet, I was drowning.
I finally hit rock bottom when I realized that no one said these two words to me: “Pregnancy Sucks”. There was no safe place to hear this out loud or say it out loud.
“The world and everyone in it talk about a magical time when there is life growing inside you.”
The world and everyone in it talk about a magical time when there is life growing inside you. No one said that this idea would play cruel tricks on your mind and body. It would make you question the picture in your head where you are a strong independent woman. It would make you want more and do more to reinforce yourself that you are one.
This is when I started taking baby steps to reclaim my sense of self.
Step 1 — Accepting that pregnancy is not dreamy.
Not only is it not dreamy — pregnancy is a biological tyranny. Learning this as early as possible makes the way ahead easier. You could be miserable by having high expectations about discovering your feminine side. Accept pregnancy as a natural and painful process which is exactly like any other tough job in the world. A job where you put in the work and wait for the benefits.
Step 2 — Empowering yourself with information from certified sources
Again, I speak from a privileged position since most women in my country have almost zero access to this. People consider your mother or grandmother as better teachers than your doctor. This can be nightmarish since most elderly women are steeped in superstitions. The women in the current generation may call it out as a superstition, but do not know the alternative. I am lucky to have resources that enriched my scientific understanding of pregnancy.
I understood the biology behind pregnancy. It made me marvel at what my body can do.
Each month in pregnancy can be much different from the one before. My resources prepared me for what is to come next. I stopped googling and instead brought books recommended by my doctor.
Step 3 — Creating rules that work for you and your partner’s sex life
With all the hormonal changes inside me, my sex drive is completely random. There are days when I crave sex. Other days, I crave sex but don’t want the physical exhaustion. Some other days I don’t want to be touched at all. This can send confusing signals to your partner and strain your relationship.
In my eyes, I felt unattractive and that brought in a fresh set of insecurities about my husband’s perception of me. So, we tried using words to empower us a.k.a “sexting”. It worked like a charm for us. It made us both escape into a space that was ours alone and it could be anything we wanted it to be. Again, this might not be your thing, but that is the point — to discover your thing to keep your sex life alive.
Step 4 — Getting fit to deal with the mounting pressures on your body
Pregnancy is like a marathon. It requires endurance. Would you run one without practice?
In India, people consider women and exercise as a bad combination in the marital market. The reason stated — “your body tends to become muscular and macho”. It is one of those tricks that patriarchy plays on you, with the sole purpose to make your life harder. Ignore it and start stretching, squats, duck walks, and Kegels. Walk, climb stairs and build up your stamina with whatever exercise you enjoy. The next time you watch a woman have a baby on TV, your mind would not go, “Unlike her, I’m going to die after the final push”.
Step 5 — Getting your finances in order
Know your finances, your company’s maternity policy and your insurance. No one else would study the intricacies as well as you. The baby shower that you’re dreaming of may not be affordable. Your policy to not borrow from friends may not be very practical when it comes to baby supplies. When someone else tells you this, you wouldn’t believe it.
Knowing your financial reality is not a choice. Take help, but don’t delegate this one. Finances might be your partner’s thing but involve yourself equally. Your mind will rest when you understand how your life and work are going to be in nine months.
Step 6 — Understanding children
If you are like me, the last time you were with a baby day and night was when you were 5 and you had a new sibling. Your memory of living with a child can be distant and blurry. Your mind starts to paint scary pictures of a screaming toddler with a wet nose all the time.
Children, like us adults, don’t need stereotyping. They are not going to fit into boxes. They are going to be challenging but not downright monsters all day every day.
Your future is going to be a lot harder than what you think it would be. It is the bargain you trade when you want to have front row seats to another life that is half yours.
