Last week, I committed to my newest plan to get my lazy a** off the couch and get some exercise.
I’m calling this my Winter Fitness Plan.
My Winter Fitness Plan is to Have Lots More Sex
Safe to say, my husband is entirely on board.
It was going to be a win-win — I work out more, and my husband and I spice up the frequency of our sexual escapades (which were needing a regular increase).
I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not the best at initiating sex. Meanwhile, my husband has a higher sex drive than me, and is self-conscious about being rejected.
So, we make quite the pair with an unsurprisingly tricky time coordinating our sex life together.
This has always been the case, for the full 4 years of our partnership together. Neither one of us expected that to magically be resolved simply because we recently got married.
Committed to putting my fate in my own hands, I make myself a deal — either have nookie with the husband, and or get on that elliptical in my office and work out.
It’s not difficult to deduce which one I’m more inclined to go for.
At first, my husband was super on board.
He thought it was the best idea in the world… that is, until he started to feel weird about it.
Then, two days in, he said,
“Don’t you think this is kind of weird, making a sport of our sex life and kind of forcing it a little?”
I stared at him blankly, “It’s only been two days.”
“I know. But I’m just not sure that I’m comfortable with this arrangement anymore…”
I blinked, trying to keep my composure. “This arrangement that has… only been in place… for two days.”
I sat there in my chair, feeling my defensive walls going up, and willingness to have a mature conversation dissipating with the moment.
My husband immediately noticed my cold shift in behaviour — perplexed as to why I appeared to be triggered.
Because I was, in fact, triggered.
I got unfairly furious with him in that moment.
I even started to cry out of frustration.
Our entire relationship, I’ve been extremely aware of the fact that my lack of initiation plays a massive role in why we haven’t been as active sexually as a couple as we feel is healthy for us.
It’s always been me holding us back.
I had finally come upon a golden idea that seemed to only have upsides, because I finally had a true and sincere motivation to be more intentional about our sex life, while also pursuing a healthier me. I don’t often make health commitments to myself.
My husband, on the other hand, is a nutrition nut.
Every other week there’s a change to his fitness plan, or an addition or modification to his diet which I, as the main cooker in our partnership, have adapted to and been flexible with. If eating at a certain time in the evening helps his schedule, then, by all means, I will accommodate.
The first time I try to truly take my own health and fitness into my own hands, in an intentional and productive way, and I don’t even get 2 days in without my husband essentially stating that under these circumstances he doesn't feel comfortable sexing up his wife.
Give this f*cking process a chance!
After a good chat, we’re back on track.
My husband and I fall on either side of the spectrum when it comes to initiation habits.
He is the spontaneous sort — the type who would get most excited to take me roughly over the kitchen counter, even with the windows open and the possibility of neighbours catching us in the act.
I, on the other hand, am a ‘consent’ gal through and through. Likely directly linked to my sexual assault, before I can get into the mood and worked up at all, I need verbal affirmations from both parties that we’re down to f*ck. Even from my husband, who is just about always down to f*ck.
Physical cues don’t work for me — verbal cues turn him off. And yet, somehow, we try to meet in the middle.
But that’s marriage for you, in general. It takes a lot of troubleshooting, rolling with the changes, and tweaking things as one goes along.
Here’s to a lifetime of troubleshooting, and happily just being together.
Never miss a beat — sign up for my monthly newsletter to get the scoop!👉 https://bit.ly/33XgtKT