Delusional Therapy for Feminists
Dear feminists, we live in a world, far from ideal. Patriarchy eats into our everyday lives. Biology enables this tyranny. We wonder how a silent war of such mammoth proportions has been waged for centuries. We try and grapple with reality and do our best to speak out. We are met with understanding at times and shaming at most others. We wonder how this system came into being and whether it will ever change. For a moment, can we imagine that it has?
A world where we don’t have to fight for gender equality because it is already there. A utopian dream...
Where do I start though? There are so many things I want for myself. There are so many things I want for all the women I know. What if I miss out on one of those things in this dream? I probably will, but I’m going to try and dream anyway, starting with my personal struggles and frustrations.
My Home
I wake up in the morning, my husband and I at the same time, we split the household chores equally. He is better at cooking and so he does that. I’m better at cleaning so I do that. We don’t have to pretend that we do things differently to his family or mine. We have two children. Our younger one is a boy who loves to make handicrafts like my grandmother. He will never be mocked for what he chooses to create. Our elder one is a teenage girl, who’s obsessions keep changing every few weeks. She has grown past her recent obsession with Krav Maga, after having defeated her boyfriend in it. Her current obsession is writing graphic novels on sex and teen love. As parents, we approve of her sexuality.
My Body
When I look at the mirror I don’t judge my body based on standards set by corporations. I love the bump of my stomach. I love my unique T-shaped buttonhole. I love my surgery scars. They helped me defeat cancer. I don’t bother to wax painfully for society. I shave when I feel like it, and can go out even if I don’t and no one will think it is strange. I don’t have to wear makeup. People will never ask if I am sick when I see me without makeup. My lips continue to be a mix of pinkish grey because I chew on them when I think. Beautiful. My face has stubborn pimple scars from high school, reminds me of the time I met my husband. Beautiful. My hair is silky near the scalp but is dry at the ends, because I don’t care to condition them, because I’m too busy re-building my company’s website. Beautiful.
My Work
In the evening, I stay late at work and travel safely with strangers on share cabs. I don’t have to wear a dupatta over my breasts when I travel. Men don’t stare at breasts. They see a lot of it and don’t really make a big deal out of it. At work, I never had to attend a sexual harassment hearing. I never had to answer any questions that made me describe the verbal abuse that I was put through. There are no sexual harassment questionnaires and laws. There is no need for them since there is no power imbalance. Women dress and eat and talk and work like men. They are not meek or scared. They are not even fierce or angry. They are just their usual individual beautiful selves… like the rest of the men. Newspapers are not flooded with headlines on first woman pilot, first woman soldier, the first woman prime minister, etc. Women have held these roles from the beginning of time and will continue to hold them.
My Wedding
Rewind a few years back, my husband and I are at our wedding ceremony. The bride does not have to wear heavy ornaments and headgear. I am comfortable in a lightweight silk saree, with simple flowers. The priest is a woman. She is probably menstruating, it is not a sign of impurity, and is considered good luck. We take our vows as we walk around the holy fire. There is no vow that refers to me as a cow that brings in wealth and happiness and children into the family. There are vows about friendship. There are vows about security. There are vows against domestic abuse and marital rape. There are vows about property rights. There are vows about my choice to have a baby. There are vows about being equal participants in bed.
After the vows, there is no ceremony of tying the holy thread around my neck, as if I’m property. There is no ceremony where my father gives my hand away in marriage — literally referred to as “Kanyadaan” or donating a virgin to a man. We exchange garlands of flowers and sign papers and marry. My parents don’t have to burn a hole into their savings for their daughter’s wedding. Weddings are simple affairs, with no pomp and show of wealth. Both the bride and the groom share the expenses equally. Dowry and bride price is unheard of.
My Parents
My mother didn’t have to quit school because she was body shamed. No guy cat-called her when she wore her first salwar kameez to high school. Her parents never considered it an option for her to quit school in the first place. She, in fact, went on and invented a new dance form for big girls! A bold and sexy dance form that shows the beauty and diversity in various body types.
My father did not have to sacrifice his dreams to be the breadwinner of the family since he is male. He stays at home and runs an aquarium business and sometimes goes on expeditions for cultural photography. His wife’s earning enables him to do what he loves. He is not worried about being ridiculed when he cries at movies. Other men cry with him and they like it.
My Country
Depending on the country I live in, the government is not trying to kill women who wear nail polish or trying to imprison women for a hundred years for aborting a pregnancy or refusing to let women enter into temples while menstruating or refusing to give power positions to women unless they are from a background that supports patriarchy. The government is made of enlightened individuals who have a vision for humanity. Individuals who believe that religion and the state should never be held together. Individuals who are smart enough to understand that oppressing fifty percent of the population will entail dire deficiencies in the happiness and prosperity of humanity as a whole. Individuals who are fifty percent women.
My Religion
God will transcend gender. We have pronouns for gender agnostic gods and don’t have to use Him with a capital H. Everyone agrees that your God could be different from mine, but yet the same. There are transgender gods, male gods, and female gods. Female gods don’t stick to being the virgin or the mother or sometimes both. Female gods are strategic leaders. Female gods are athletic. Female gods may not always have a husband or a child. Female gods are celebrated for their instincts to nurture and protect. They are also celebrated for rage and power. There is no religious text in the history of humanity that refers to females as a temptation or impure commodities.
My World
The word feminism only exists in fictional pieces, which bring to life an alternate universe where women are oppressed and have to fight. All the energy that went into fighting for women rights was never needed. This energy, this rage, is transformed into creativity. The inclusion of women(from the beginning of time) in all spheres, be it politics, economics, and environment, has enabled diverse ideas to be put forth and nurtured. These ideas transform into innovative solutions to many of the problems in the world, like unsustainable growth, poverty, and pollution.
This is my dream… I hope that there is a planet far far away, where this is the reality. I like to think that this is already achieved, in some parts of the universe. I want to believe that this dream is not beyond the grasp of my daughter and her daughters. When the fight gets harder and almost hopeless I want to hold on to this delusional alternate reality, to breathe and feel hopeful again.
Where do you run when you need a break from patriarchy? What is your dream?
