How I’m Learning to Be Loyal to Myself

Encouraged by the constant murmur of Brené Brown’s wisdom in the back of my mind, I recently made the decision to step back from my very secure and life-devouring job. Amid pep talks to myself to dare greatly, I decided that it was time for me to put my loyalty to myself above my loyalty to a cause and organization that I love greatly.

For some time, I’ve been grappling with the struggle to prioritize my own needs and wants above the demands of my job.

My sibling and I have been talking recently about how we were raised to be loyal, to see our commitments through to the end.

In my childhood, this meant many seasons of embarrassingly weak athletic participation in a wide variety of sports to which I was ill-suited. (In my final swim meet of high school, I missed the wall completely in a flip turn during my backstroke race. I might add that this was the only meet my dad attended out of three seasons, solidifying my shame — but I digress.)

Ultimately, I think that this lesson in commitment led to a tendency toward loyalty to causes and people other than myself, often to my detriment.

It took me months of cyclical anxious thoughts to coach myself into letting go and “choosing to be loyal to myself” by walking away from a job that was once my dream position.

On the other side of that leap into the unknown, I struggle every day to validate myself in that choice. It took a lot of ovaries to give notice without having a job waiting in the wings and my job search has been a humbling one.

As someone that tends to equate my self-worth with my actions and achievements, I am working every day to embrace a kinder, healthier understanding of my intrinsic value.

In the quiet moments when I try to fall asleep, I replay the mantra “I am enough” in the white noise of my thoughts to edge out the darker thoughts waiting to creep in. Yet I hold out hope that it will all be worth it — knowing that at the very least — I’m on my team.