I Absolutely Had to Have a Boyfriend
And everyone else had to know it.
Because I’m fat, the whole world is out to get me. Because I’m a woman, that statement is twice as true.
Being a woman means that your worth is placed on how conventionally attractive you are. And being fat automatically seems to not only dock points from your score, but it can even kick you out of the game. You’re in the penalty box for life.
Can you tell I don’t know sports?
Anyway, that’s the reason so many bigger women feel like they have to be dating a guy at all costs, even if he’s not right for you. Even when he’s downright abusive.
I experienced this firsthand in high school.
A boy ended up liking me and wanting a relationship. I considered this nothing short of a miracle.
Someone wanted to date me. I would finally be considered worthy of love.
More importantly, other people would think I was worthy of love. They would see I was actually human, not just a species of subhuman called fat.
I would obsessively hold his hand and kiss him in public. Nothing too gratuitous, just a peck every now and then. He thought I was being sweet, but the truth was I wanted the world to see that even I could get someone to like me.
This really came to a head senior year of high school, around homecoming.
There’s this tradition in Texas of girls wearing mums, or artificial flowers, pinned to your chest on the day of homecoming. Or at least, they started out as artificial flowers. Eventually, they turned into bells and whistles and lights and pictures.
My high school was in a rich part of town, where students (mainly their parents, I’d imagine) spent way too much money on these mums to be worn for just one day. And you couldn’t wear the same mum two years in a row. That would be tacky.
Senior year was when you really had to break out the big bucks for the mums. They had to be the biggest.
My boyfriend at the time didn’t want to shell out nearly a hundred bucks on something I was only going to wear once. It was understandable, but I was still irrational about it.
People knew we were dating, but I wanted to show off any physical proof that I had a romantic partner.
So I convinced my mother to spend money on a mum instead. I got my wish, even though my boyfriend wasn’t too happy about it.
I guess I wanted to be like those pretty, thin girls who could get a boy to buy them a mum without even trying. One time I overheard a skinny girl in the hallway say that she had to turn down four guys who asked her to the homecoming dance. Meanwhile, I considered it a miracle that even one boy gave me the time of day. I would have thought of myself as a goddess if I had to turn down four guys.
I’ve realized now that being fat doesn’t automatically mean you are less attractive. Some of the most beautiful people I’ve ever met have been fat. Unfortunately, I still suffer from self-esteem issues because of it, but it’s not nearly as bad as it was in high school.
These days I’m in a relationship, but it’s nothing like it was back then.
Not everyone has to know. I want to be with him in private. The rest of the world doesn’t need to know a thing about us.
That’s how relationships need to be: between you and your partner. Nobody else has to know a damn thing.
