I Am the Crazy Girlfriend
Just ask my exes.
This is a warning to all the men out there who may someday be interested in dating me: I’m crazy. You can ask my exes, and they’ll all tell you the same thing, “Oh, Maggie? Yeah, she’s okay. Crazy though. Like, she’s smart and you and sometimes funny; she’s cute and she’s pretty fun in bed. But be warned, she’s crazy. She just gets crazy mad for no reason.”
And it’s true, I’m crazy. And sometimes I get crazy mad.
For example, one time, my live-in boyfriend didn’t come home after a night out.
He went out with friends, and then just, didn’t come home. He texted me around midnight to tell me he was on his way back. When I woke up at 2:00 a.m. though, he still wasn’t back.
I texted him, and he didn’t respond. I called him, and he didn’t respond. I gave it an hour and then tried again.
I got worried. It occurred to me that he might be having an affair — but that’s the least worrisome place my mind went.
What if he was injured? What if he hurt his head and didn’t remember our address? What if he was wandering around the city, injured and alone? What if he got mugged and was lying in a gutter somewhere? What if he was dead?
When he came in around 5:30 a.m., stinking of cheap beer and telling me that he “crashed on a friend’s couch” and to “calm down,” I yelled at him and told him how worried I’d been.
“I thought you were hurt,” I sobbed.
“You’re being crazy, and I’m tired. I’m going to bed,” he said.
Lesson 1: Worrying about the safety of someone you love is crazy. Avoid doing so if you can.
A month later, this same boyfriend commented on a friend’s Facebook wall, “You’re so beautiful, you take my breath away.
“That’s a little bit weird,” I said to him.
“It’s not weird,” he said. “She’s beautiful.”
“If you’re going to cheat, you should do it in private, no? Also, you never say that I’m beautiful,” I said in a joking tone to hide my insecurity, lack of dignity, and sadness.
“Oh my god. Fine. You’re so beautiful. You take my breath away. Stop being psychotic. Nothing is going on with her. I just thought she looked nice in that outfit. You’re being crazy and controlling.”
I caught them kissing in a bar later. We broke up.
Lesson 2: Wanting your significant other to be loyal to you is crazy. If you don’t want to be crazy, lower your expectations.
Later, a different boyfriend told me he’d made us a dinner reservation for 6:30, at an upscale restaurant. “Be ready,” he told me. “They won’t hold the table.”
I dressed up. At 6:00, when he was supposed to pick me up, he didn’t arrive. I called him at 6:20. He didn’t answer, and he didn’t call back.
When he rolled up to my house at 8:00, he sat down on the couch. “I had to work late, and I don’t feel like going out now.”
“You told me to leave work early, and to dress up,” I told him. “And I did.”
“And you look beautiful, but I had to work late, and now I’m tired. Can’t we just order a pizza?”
“You could have called,” I told him. “I’m so aggravated with you right now.”
“I had a long day. It would be so nice if you wouldn’t be crazy.”
Lesson 3: Expecting someone to notify you when your plans change is crazy. Be ready to go with the flow at all times.
One day, I was really run down. I had the flu — complete with body aches and a fever. My boyfriend came over to keep me company and watch a movie.
At a sad part in the movie, I started to cry. An animal died — I always cry when animals die.
“You’re emotional tonight,” he told me. “You seem a little crazy. Are you sure it’s the flu and not your period?”
Lesson 4: If you cry, you’re on your period, and being on your period makes you crazy. Hard stop.
The last time a boyfriend called me crazy was right before the 2016 presidential election.
I was dating a man I no longer liked and wanted to break up with. I was waiting to do it in person, and the next opportunity was a week away.
“Obama is taking away all of our guns. I hope Trump gets elected. He’ll right this sinking ship,” he sent me in a text. I couldn’t wait until I saw him next.
“What else do you like about Trump?” I asked.
“What do you mean?” he asked.
“I mean, he’s said some pretty horrendous things — so aside from your right to own a gun, which I don’t believe will abate — what do you like about Trump?”
“Ugh,” he wrote. “I forgot you’re a fucking liberal. No common sense.”
“I think we should break up,” I texted him.
“You’re fucking crazy,” he wrote back.
Lesson 5: Do not ask your significant other to elaborate on their thoughts. Doing so is crazy.
So, date me at your own risk, folks, because if I care about you, I’ll worry if you go missing. And if I’m looking forward to plans with you and you don’t notify me that they’ve changed, I’ll be disappointed — and maybe even ask you to call the next time.
I like to have thoughtful and engaging conversations, so I might try to have one with you. Watch. Out.
Too, I’m best in monogamous relationships, so if you hook up with my friend we’ll break up.
And don’t even get me started on the fact that I have a monthly period. Beware of my anatomy. Avoid at all costs.
As my exes will tell you, I’m a bona fide crazy woman. And they would know best.