I Don’t Know Who to Fall in Love With
There will always be possible futures with future loves, but how do you know which mixed bag of good, bad, and everything in between you want to wake up to every day?
I wonder if I’ll ever fall in love. There are multiple men in my life I call “future loves.” They’re the ones I could see myself coming to love, and the life I would build with each of them looks so different. Each with their own set of beauties and pains. How am I supposed to know which one I want?
I find myself returning to the question, “Which of my possible futures do I want to live in?”
Do I want the man who lives in New York, works in finance, frequents museums, and loves it when I talk about classical music? He doesn’t play an instrument or have his own artistic outlet, so sharing that wouldn’t be a part of the future we built together. But he is kind, steady, asks good questions and makes me feel seen. He loves visiting new spaces and has an open heart and mind to learn from people who are different than he is, which is something I appreciate in him. He enjoys my rambles on history and is always down for a new coffee shop. He’s young and willing to adapt. Growing together would be hard, but I think there would be a beauty to be found in the mess.
Or do I want the man who lives in Europe? He’s artistic — plays multiple instruments and is always carrying around a camera. Creating together would inevitably be a part of our life together, because it is a part of our lives individually. He’s adventurous, well-traveled, and makes friends easily. When he smiles at me across the room I feel like we have an inside joke that only the two of us know about. He’s a few years older and has strong convictions, not all of which we share. I know it would take work from both of us for me to feel empowered in that future, and I don’t know if he’d know how or be able to do that. I’m scared I would melt into him and lose a piece of myself.
Or do I want the man who grew up in Africa and now lives in the US? To be honest, I haven’t met him yet. My friend is setting me up with him, and that has sparked this realization that at some point I will have to choose which future I want. From what I’ve heard, this man cooks for his roommates most nights and plays the piano beautifully. He is protective of the people he cares about and cultivates relationships that have depth. He’s worked hard to build a life for himself in this new country — as someone who moved to the US for university, I can resonate with that and respect that immensely. I know that blending our cultural backgrounds would be hard and messy and probably painful. A European girl with an African guy both living in the US would have challenges and misunderstandings. But there’s also the opportunity to learn from each other's backgrounds and to pick and choose the best parts to bring together.
Or do I want a man I’ve yet to meet? Or a life of singleness where I don’t need to coordinate schedules with someone else and only have to purchase airfare for one?
The thing is, I know that I could be happy in any of these futures. And I know I will experience heartbreak in each of these futures. I don’t believe there’s a “right” or “wrong.” There’s just a choice.
And I don’t know how one knows which choice to make.
Because you can’t stand still in the world of love. Things shift and change all the time. Everyone has their own plethora of futures to choose from, and these three won’t always be a future I could have.
There will always be possible futures with future loves, but how do you know which mixed bag of good, bad, and everything in between you want to wake up to every day?
Because that is what it is. You choose and you cultivate. You love and receive love. And once you choose, you let go of the “what if’s” and work at love through all the ebbs and flows of life.
