I Risked Re-Traumatization for Peace of Mind

And I would do it again.

Photo licensed by Shutterstock // Dean Drobot

TW: This article contains descriptions of sexual assault and the aftermath of related trauma. Please read with caution.

Even though I have come to terms with the fact that I was sexually assaulted by my gynecologist, I still find it difficult to call myself a survivor.

I say this because what happened to me wasn’t violent. It wasn’t done by a stranger or a significant other. No one was drunk, no one was “asking for it.” It was done by my female doctor who had implicit consent to examine me…

…But she did it without wearing gloves.

There is no clinical reason why she should have put her fingers inside of me without gloves. Doing so was not only violating, but it was also traumatizing.

So much so that I spent years acting like it didn’t happen.

I told myself time and again that I’d misunderstood the situation. I convinced myself that it was okay because she was a doctor.

I understood the situation perfectly. It wasn’t okay.

Because I am demisexual, it takes a lot for me to be interested in engaging in sex with another person. Hell, I see masturbation…