I Survived an Abusive Relationship
How I got out and stayed out
Generally, it takes many attempts to leave an abusive relationship. We tread water, testing our resolve and determination during each attempt. I lost count of how many times I left my abusive partner but I learned something new each time. I knew I would eventually stay gone but I knew there were things I needed for the process to be successful.
Begin Preparing Early
I stopped looking at each attempt as a failure. Every time I went back, I beat myself up, feeling weak and powerless. I went back because it was easier than dealing with the pain. Even with the abuse, life with him was what I’d known for so long and there was comfort in that. I didn’t want to give up on him and hoped that he would change if I could make him see that one day I wouldn’t come back.
I began to look at things in a different light which helped me prepare myself for the final time I would leave and stay gone. My process may be different from yours and that’s ok, but even if my story helps just one person leave then that’s everything to me.
My Inner Strength
I knew I had the strength within me to leave. I didn’t go through everything I’d been through during my life to let this man beat me down. He was always belittling me about my kindness to others which he saw as weakness. He made me feel as if there was something really wrong with me. I liked who I was until he began destroying my self-confidence. Once I realised this, I knew I had to get out or he would kill my soul to the point of no return. He was never going to change no matter what I did.
The main thing for me was having a reliable job that would keep my kids and myself financially stable. I was prepared to stay in the relationship until this was a reality. During this time, the relationship wasn’t physically abusive so I rationalised that as long as there was no physical harm, I could put up with everything else to get where I needed to be.
I had always wanted a career in mental health and decided that mental health nursing suited me perfectly. It wasn’t easy managing my uni work while I was with my narcissistic partner but I was determined to do well. His behaviour always intensified when I had exams or assignments due. He couldn’t stand anything that took my attention away from him. Like an adult-toddler, he would throw tantrums to get attention and sabotage my studies.
I had my big picture plan and that’s what I focused on to keep going. So many times I wanted to quit university but I kept going, knowing that this was going to give my kids a solid base and I wouldn’t have to rely on anyone.
Save Save Save
I took a job as an undergraduate Mental Health Nurse and began putting money away. I opened up a secret account and sent money to from every paycheck. I never spent money on anything that would make my partner question what I was earning, otherwise, he would feel as if he was losing control over me financially.
He still paid everything and as far as he knew my money paid my uni fees.
Don’t Rock the Boat
The most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship is when she is preparing to leave and when she does leave. While I was preparing, I made sure to keep everything as normal as possible. The only difference was that I was working but I came straight home after work to avoid any curiosity into my life.
My partner never had to worry about where I was, he had alienated me from friends and I had little family anyway, so if I wasn’t at uni or work I was at home. I kept it that way so as not to rock the boat; enabling my plan to continue undiscovered for as long as possible. I needed as much money as I could save because I’d be leaving with practically nothing and would be starting from scratch. As long as he didn’t put his hands on me I could be patient.
I hadn’t expected him to get physically violent with me. He would punch holes in the walls and windows, throw and smash things but I’d put up with those behaviours for years and knew I could continue until the time came to leave.
There are many women who don’t have the time to plan like I did but for me, this was the best way to do things for now. I knew that for me to successfully leave, I would need a solid home base and that’s what I worked towards.
Store Belongings with a Trusted Friend
During my planning stage, I began storing personal belongings at my best friends’ home. Every week or so I would pack up some items I knew he wouldn’t miss and drop them off. A lot of my stuff was packed anyway to protect them from his violent outbursts. I’d learned early on that he would target things that were important to me so I put them away, out of reach for when he lost control.
I also stored cash with my friend. I’d withdraw a little at a time so if he got curious I could say it was for lunch or work items. Sometimes I’d take out bigger sums and say it was for a car service or something for uni and I’d stash that money away too.
I was fortunate that my partner's grandiosity prevented him from believing I would ever leave and stay gone. I knew if I played it safe, he would never suspect what I was planning, unless given a reason, so I was careful not to give him any reason.
The Day I Left
The day I left was not part of my plan but it happened nonetheless. I came home after finishing an afternoon shift and was expecting my partner to be passed out from drinking. He’d had the day off from work so I knew he would be drunk. He was awake and pacing as he did when he was agitated. He had made dinner early in the night and it was 11 pm when I got home so I wasn’t in the mood to eat. When he was like this I couldn’t eat anyway because of the anxiety of waiting for the inevitable explosion that always came.
My declining to eat was all it took and he began smashing things and punched his hand through the glass sliding door. He grabbed me and threw me across the room. I was stunned, but he hadn’t finished and as he went for me again, my twenty-year-old daughter punched him in the face screaming at him to get away from me.
He then picked up the phone, calling the police to say he had been assaulted. I had locked myself and my daughter in the garage by then and with the police still on the phone he attempted to kick his way in. They could hear me screaming and arrived within minutes.
His version of events were different, initially only telling the police that he had been attacked by both of us. Fortunately, they had heard me on the phone and knew he was lying. He wanted to press charges against my daughter and I told them that if he did I would be pressing charges against him. He changed his mind.
He had a prior history of violent behaviour including assaults against the police so they knew him well. One of the officers asked me if I had a safe place to go and I told him I did. I left that night and within a week, had my own place. I was so glad that I had begun preparing early on as it made things a little less stressful. I can’t begin to describe how good it felt to be out and he only had himself to blame.
It was a little scary at first, not knowing if he would turn up on my doorstep but he only phoned a few times before I found out he had a new ‘supply’. I’m sure he was grooming her when we were together because she moved into the house with him not long after I left.
I’ll admit, knowing he replaced me so soon hurt but I was actually more relieved than anything else. Every now and then I would get a call trying to suck me back in but it didn't work. I blocked him and occasionally he’d call from a private number but I stopped answering those too.
I did feel sorry for his new girlfriend and thought about reaching out to warn her. I decided against it as it would have put me and my kids at risk. His girlfriend before me had tried to warn me and I didn’t believe her initially because he was such a good actor. I figured his new girlfriend likely wouldn’t believe me for the same reason. His relationship with her was none of my business and I just wanted my life back without him in it.
I was finally free; free to live in peace.
If you or a loved one need to talk to someone for help or support, the National Domestic Violence Hotline has advocates available 24/7 at 1–800–799-SAFE (7233) in more than 200 languages.
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