I Tried, But I Couldn’t Love My Ex – Here’s My Story

Lessons of letting go, guilt, grief, and my ultimate freedom

I had thought about it for days, giving clues with my body language rather than my words of what was to come; A sigh here, a weary look there, a fake smile, a downcast glance, and it got his attention. I mumbled sentences and made them vague when he asked me what was wrong, like some abstract painting hanging at the Tate modern; he must have seen it coming, after all, he put up with two weeks of my strange shenanigans. But today was the day. I couldn’t bear it any longer as I typed the words, too chicken to read it over, and pressed send — ‘I need a break’.

I felt my heart fall to the pits of my stomach as cliche as that sounds; the fear that held me hostage for so long gripped me even tighter as I held my breath, not knowing what next to expect. But I had played this scenario in my head many times, and the only way the chips were going to fall was definitely not in my favor. My phone vibrated — Please don’t leave me. You are my soulmate, can we talk?

I remember asking myself how I let things get to this point. My guilt knew no bounds. It felt like I would burst from the sheer weight of it. How and why did I lead this man on for what, two years? I thought about all I was going to lose just by letting him…