I’ve Had More Than 30 Partners And I’ve Never Been Dumped

Here’s the truth about what that really feels like.

Hollie April
Sep 4, 2020 · 4 min read
Photo by bantersnaps on Unsplash

A lot of people are surprised when I share that I’ve never had a partner finish things with me. I suppose I’m a little surprised about it too. For whatever reason, no partner has ever told me that they didn’t want to be with me anymore, whether we were in a casual friends-with-benefits arrangement, or co-habiting with joint bank accounts. Some people say I’m lucky to have never gone through the heartache of being dumped, and perhaps that is true.

Just because I’ve never been dumped, it doesn’t mean that all relationships have ended on my terms; far from it. In a couple of cases that come to mind, I’m fairly sure that I was actually more upset about the break up than my partner was. There are lots of misconceptions about serial dumpers. Here’s the truth about what it’s really like to always be the one to break up.

It’s not easy being the one to pull the trigger to kill a failed relationship.

This kind of story is sadly common, and it can often seem that people who NEVER break up with anyone are overly tolerant of stagnated relationships, biding their time until someone better comes along, or simply nonplussed. I agonize long and hard before ending a relationship to make sure that it is the right decision, and I don’t doubt that on some occasions, I gave more thought to whether a partner and I could be a viable couple than they ever did before, during, or after we dated.

I’ve given partners too many chances.

Looking back, I can see that I failed to draw enough red lines early in relationships about what I could and couldn’t tolerate. If I had built stronger boundaries for myself and enforced them accordingly, then I think it may have been possible to create a situation where a partner had the gumption to admit that they couldn’t see a future for us.

I’ve lost out on friendships I valued.

Here’s what I’ve learned about how to keep things as kind and compassionate as possible when breaking up.

If you’re open to discussing what went wrong, then let them know, and if you want to put a lid on the whole thing then say that too. It will be easier for them to find the closure that they need once they know exactly what is and isn’t on the table, in terms of an explanation of why things are ending.

If there are any logistics that need to be taken care of, like wrapping up projects together, returning belongings, or payments of joint bills, have a plan in mind of how those things could be seamlessly handled. Be prepared to take point on the ‘administrative’ aspects of the breakup, given that you are the one who has had the time to think things over.

Should you wish to stay friends, tell them so, but don’t expect it to happen overnight. Any friendship that is formed from the ashes of the old relationship will be its own new — and hopefully beautiful — relationship in its own right.

Fearless She Wrote

This is a space to empower differences, tell our stories…

Hollie April

Written by

Writing about mental health, love, lust and culture in the messy modern world.

Fearless She Wrote

This is a space to empower differences, tell our stories, and share our lives together. We will not be silenced. We will be fearless. And we will write.

Hollie April

Written by

Writing about mental health, love, lust and culture in the messy modern world.

Fearless She Wrote

This is a space to empower differences, tell our stories, and share our lives together. We will not be silenced. We will be fearless. And we will write.

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