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Stop Asking Married Couples Why They Haven’t Had Children Yet
Consider the possibilities — they’re none of your business.
A close friend of mine has been struggling to conceive for nearly two years. She has endured an unsuccessful round of IUI, numerous cycles of IVF, countless estrogen jabs, hormone stickers, suppositories, bruises, cramps, disappointments, and tears. With each new obstacle, from endometriosis to an ectopic pregnancy that required chemotherapy, her patience in this journey to motherhood amazes me.
My patience, on the other hand, is another story. Not only is it difficult to sit helplessly on the sidelines, cheering on someone you love as they struggle to accomplish the one thing they want so badly, but then you have to watch them deal with an ignorant society that makes infertility all the more frustrating.
The question is ignorant and invasive
I finally lost all patience when I went out to dinner with my friend and her husband. While we waited for our table, we bumped into mutual friends. Actually, let’s just call them “acquaintances.” Jenn and Bailey went to our high school, though they graduated four years before we did. They’re married now with two children.
“When the hell are you gonna start poppin’ out babies?” Bailey prodded, as we stood in a very public space at the front of the restaurant.
“Oh,” my friend shifted, uncomfortably. “Soon, I’m sure.”
“Yeah, we’re not in a huge rush,” my friend’s husband added.
“Well, you’re not getting any younger,” Jenn replied, very matter-of-fact. “I had our first when I was 29 and even I felt like I was pushing my luck. Did you know that 30-year-old women only have a 20% chance of getting pregnant each month? And that’s if you’re totally fertile.”
For a woman who knew so much about reproduction, I couldn’t believe how completely oblivious she was. My friend tried to force a smile but she was clearly uncomfortable. Her husband placed an arm around her.
“I don’t know about all that,” Bailey boasted. “I mean, we had no problem whatsoever. I knocked you up on the second try, didn’t I?”
