Why ‘Consent’ or a Stable Relationship Don’t Rule Out Rape
I gave consent to my ex-boyfriend, but he still raped me.
Trigger Warning: this article contains descriptions of repetitive sexual assault that may not be suitable for all readers. Fearless community, please read with care.
My ex-boyfriend J. and I got together when I was fifteen years old.
Having read the title, you might think that my age had something to do with what I’m about to tell you, that I was maybe just too young and too naive to have sex, but let me tell you that that was absolutely not the case.
Actually, I really enjoyed our sex life in the beginning. It was great. We had the same libido, we both loved experimenting a little bit and we always made each other orgasm.
After a year, though, things changed.
The first time he raped me, was on the same day I announced that I struggled with depression.
I was sent home from my vacation job, because I was constantly crying, and I called him to come over. We cuddled while I explained to him how I felt and that made me feel safe, but… it also gave him a boner. He then explained to me how bad it felt for a guy to have a boner and not be satisfied. So, thinking it would please him and might distract me from my depressed feelings, I said yes.
He penetrated me while I was lying there, immobile and apathetic, with tears in my eyes. Obviously, it didn’t distract me, but it did please him, and what did he do wrong? I said yes.
At that time I didn’t feel raped. I didn’t even think about it twice, but my sex drive completely disappeared and I didn’t enjoy sex like I used to.
I blamed my hormonal contraception and I shared my thoughts with J.. I told him I would like to stop taking the pill for a while, but that was not an option for him, because then he would have to wear a condom and that feels so bad for a guy. So, I kept taking the pill and I kept having sex without really enjoying it.
Writing this, I of course realise that the red flags were right there in front of me, but I loved him and I was simply too scared to make him feel bad. Every time he was horny, I felt obliged to satisfy him, because otherwise, he would feel bad and, who knows, might leave me.
This went on for another year or so.
By the end, whenever he initiated something when we were already in bed, I pretended to be asleep in the hope that he would leave me alone. That didn’t stop him. By the end, I couldn’t even hold in my tears, but that didn’t stop him either. He touched me, grabbed my breasts, and penetrated me, and I always said yes.
Now it has almost been two years since I broke up with him.
I often get very mad at myself when I think back to this. How could I have let this happen? How could I let him rape me over and over again? Why did I say yes? Every time, why did I say yes?
But those are the wrong questions. I didn’t let him do anything. I didn’t let him rape me. He raped me. Because saying yes isn’t always consent, and being his girlfriend was no consent either.
Since I realised all this, I have educated myself on sexual abuse and its consequences. As you can read on my profile, I am specialised in sexual and reproductive health and rights, and I use this knowledge to educate others. For example, I give workshops for high school boys and girls on what consent really is. I tell them it’s not just saying yes, but saying it enthusiastically.
Consent is showing your sexual partner, in words and in actions, that you really want to have sex.
Consent can also be withdrawn at any time, and obtaining it once does not imply having consent indefinitely.
This way, with these workshops and this article, I hope to make a difference, however small, because I regret not walking out of that relationship sooner almost every single day, and if I can only make one boy or girl realise that they deserve better, I feel like it has all been worth something.
