Yes, Confident People Can Fall for Abusive Partners
“I’m special. He’ll love me. Give him time. How could he not?”
When I was 19 and on the brink of what would become a long-term, live-in abusive relationship, I very clearly remember being very certain of one thing:
This man is going to love me.
When you’re coming from a place of “I believe in my value,” it’s very hard to realize you could possibly be with an abusive partner… because isn’t it only insecure, self-loathing people who end up with bad ones?
No.
As I saw with my younger self — and with self-assured friends who’ve also fallen for abusive people over the years — the logic that enables toxic relationships can sound very confident indeed. “I’m a great partner and a great catch. Of course, my partner will be happy with me. Things aren’t perfect right now, but it’s just a matter of patience. I can totally figure this out and make it work.”
See what I mean?
Thus, one of my biggest obstacles to realizing my relationship was abusive was the counterintuitive fact that I generally thought well of myself. It took me years after it ended before I finally understood something critical:
