Lingerie Helped Me Get My Body Love Back During the Quarantine

That push-up bra was uplifting in more ways than one

Photo by Deb Kennedy on Unsplash

Up until recently, I’ve always worn lingerie as a part of enjoying myself with someone else.

I’m a highly visual person who lives in an apartment filled with art and photography. For many years, the idea of becoming a living masterpiece by slipping into silk and lace has enchanted me. I have long hair made up of unruly reddish curls and am hardly a rail-thin body type— so when my partners have seen me stretched out in front of them, they’ve often said I remind them of a Pre-Raphaelite muse who would have been celebrated centuries ago in commissioned paintings. Their compliments have stoked not just the fires of my passion, but also my art history-saturated imagination.

With the Covid-19 quarantine, my life has shifted to long days and nights mostly alone, with the occasional crowded, awkward chat on Zoom. I don’t have as many reasons to wear anything for anyone other than myself anymore. At first this was incredibly depressing — I’d stare at my dresses and blouses and rows of unworn shoes and remember all the times I had put them on and felt alive and happy during special occasions and outings with my friends and loved ones. I’d apply a bright lipstick and mascara just for an online workout class or to run a quick errand, even though I’d never bothered with makeup during exercise before and no one could see my mouth under my mask when I left my apartment. It got really weird.

Like many people who battle eating disorders, I’ve also had to redefine my relationship with my body during this seemingly endless quarantine. Sometimes it’s been frustrating and even frightening to approach the daily upkeep of staying in shape and eating well without the structure of a regular work day and my gym. There’s always that possible danger of veering into extremes and the damage that can cause.

With the exception of my freshman year in college when I was controlling my food too much and getting dangerously skinny, I have mostly struggled with bingeing when I’m upset about something to feel better. When I first started staying at home as part of our public health crisis, I made lots of comfort food like creamy pastas and homemade pizzas to numb how sad I felt about the pandemic, my subsequent job loss and the strange loneliness of too many hours stuck at home. It felt like such an easy way to ignore the uncertainty and the pain of our society and economy falling apart. I’d overeat and then crash on my couch and watch movies to escape how bad I was feeling.

Without others’ eyes admiring my body, all I had was my own perspective. Looking in the mirror caused me to panic. I could see my muscle tone disappearing, my stomach too soft and round, even when I pulled the waist of my fitted workout leggings over it. I also turned to exercise as a form of control, pushing myself to go on long, grueling runs that caused my hips to ache. I felt deeply unhappy and angry about everything that was happening. I started avoiding my mirror for fear I’d catastrophize everything after seeing what I looked like.

I knew my unhealthy patterns from the past, and how much they had hurt me: Whenever something awful happened, I typically hyper-focused on my body as the one thing that should be better than it already was, which always led to a deep sense of shame. My looks became the barometer of how I experienced failure or loss in other areas of my life. It was a horrible way to add unnecessary pressure and anxiety, something that’s already a daily part of experiencing and surviving the pandemic.

When I realized how bad things were getting, I took some time to write down how I was feeling so I could take a step back and examine what was going on. I reached out to a trusted friend, who told me I should talk to myself the same way I would to a friend when I was feeling lost and scared about how to get back on my feet and feeling awful about my body. This perspective really helped: I’d never berate someone I cared about and make her feel anxious about her looks, especially at a time when everyone was just trying to make it through one day to the next.

I began to take agency by remembering the many healthy and delicious recipes I loved and started enjoying those again, with occasional nights to still make whatever I wanted, like a vegetarian pizza with a gluten-free crust that was healthy but still delicious. My meals became broccoli and chickpea bowls with tahini sauce drizzled on top, homemade salmon burgers and roasted sweet potato wedges with chipotle mayo on the side, scrambled eggs with vegetables mixed in, banana oatmeal muffins dotted with fresh raspberries. I was learning to eat deliciously well without beating myself up over it.

I also decided that rather than push myself through one-hour runs that left me on the verge of injury, I’d go on long walks and explore different parts of the city instead. I needed fresh air, color and to see signs that the world was still alive and well. Mostly I took these strolls by myself, but sometimes friends would join me and we’d catch up on our lives, talking loudly through our masks and rethinking our dreams post-pandemic. My younger sister talked me into joining her for free online HIIT classes several times a week, texting me a few minutes before they started so I’d feel too motivated to miss them. The classes were really challenging but fun, and I loved seeing her face on the screen a few days a week and texting each other supportive thoughts about the experience afterward.

But I still missed fashion and the art of being seen. So much.

“Start investing in your own sensuality, it’s what increases your own sense of self worth.” ― Lebo Grand

Since getting laid off, I’ve been extremely conservative with my spending, reducing it to nothing but buying simple groceries and covering my bills. I’ve also accepted some freelance opportunities, to make sure I have something coming in, stashing everything I make in my bank account and not touching it so I can use it to help pay for future expenses. These are responsible decisions, necessary next steps. But it’s also sometimes felt like such a joyless way to live.

I realized I needed a small reward for how hard I’ve been working while trying to back on my feet. I also wanted to acknowledge how I’d made peace with eating and exercise during this uncertain time. My body wasn’t so awful. Like the rest of me, it was growing and changing, as part of my overall existence within the context of the pandemic.

Last week I went online and visited some of my favorite retail sites, including a few that specialize in lingerie. I saw Adore Me was having a massive sale where I could purchase a new bra and panty set with a deep discount. To add to the affirmation of wanting what they were selling, their site featured beautiful photos of women in all shapes and sizes and special searches to find items for curvy ladies just like me.

I couldn’t resist. With a few clicks of my keypad, I found a bra and panty set in gorgeous teal lace that would bring out the color of my eyes. It also featured fancy straps to outline and accentuate my breasts, waist and hips. I did the math in my head and realized I could afford it. And more pointedly, I realized I needed something special to remind myself how alive and alluring I could be, even alone in my apartment while I was waiting for — but also creating — new experiences and opportunities.

The day my package arrived I felt giddy that something fun and fashion-related was finally breaking up the monotony of the past couple months. But I was also a tiny bit terrified. What if I tried these new items on and saw how much I had lost in my physique? What if they didn’t fit right? What if it all just made me feel worse and go down some self-shame spiral I was trying to escape?

I opened up the package and ran my hands over the bra and panties, admiring their design and detail. Taking a deep breath, I slipped them on, stepped in front of my bedroom mirror and looked up.

The lingerie fit me perfectly and the stormy sea color looked wonderful next to my pale skin, blue-green eyes and brownish-red hair. My breasts were pulled upward in a taunting, teasing way that still felt comfortable and sensual. The v-shape and lines of the panties were a nice contrast to my round hips. For the first time in weeks, I could see my body’s strength from all my long walks and lunges. I was still generously round but with muscle tone peeking through — completely curvalicious.

The quarantine has called on us to find new forms of self love, comfort and creativity: learning how to make sourdough bread, mastering difficult puzzles, dancing alone to music, loudly.

While I can’t wait to wear these beautiful new pieces the next time I see my partner, I will likely put them on just for me whenever I want to be reminded of what I’m creating through my own gentle persistence of health, happiness and overall wellness. It’s something that’s not tethered to tallying up calories or steps, but in how well I’m listening to and honoring my body and sense of self expression.

“If tomorrow brings new hope, I hope it brings back your sensuality.” ― Lebo Grand